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Someone from 🇿🇦 has shared:

My mom and all her opinions are visiting this weekend.

Someone from 🇬🇧 has bookmarked:

Website: We use cookies to improve our performance. Me: Same!

Someone from 🇫🇯 has shared:

If you have an old house, but you haven’t got a ghost, you should complain to the estate agent.

Someone from 🇷🇺 has downloaded:

If I had 50¢ for every math test I’ve failed, I’d have $7.20.

Someone from 🇳🇪 has bookmarked:

Just went to the Oreo website and hit “accept all cookies” … and now we wait.

Someone from 🇺🇦 has downloaded:

Today I choose kindness, but we’ll see, it’s still early.

Someone from 🇮🇩 has shared:

Sunglasses: allowing you to stare at people without getting caught. It’s like Facebook in real life.

Someone from 🇦🇫 has shared:

I don’t want to end this year on bad terms with anybody. Could you please apologize to me?

Someone from 🇹🇷 has bookmarked:

Eating Halloween candy and putting up my Christmas tree because nothing matters anymore.

Someone from 🇮🇸 has bookmarked:

Can someone write me a note to get out of being a responsible adult?

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Funny Quotes Total

15,753

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17,766

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15,753

Updated

Feb 3, 2026

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Social Media Log 💫

Just shared via Instagram:

There is no physical evidence to say that today is Tuesday, we all just have to trust that someone kept count since the first one ever.

Just landed via Discord:

The first time people saw a train coming at them, they ran away in terror.

Freshly posted on Instagram:

What happened to the huge corporate Christmas parties you see in all the ’90s movies? Seems like that doesn’t exist at all anymore.

Spotted on Messenger:

Alcohol and eye contact is a deadly combo.

Making waves on Instagram:

I hate that I present as an independent woman who doesn’t need any help. It’s a facade. Help me.

Just shared via Slack:

“I’ve never done parkour, but I have chased a toddler with an open Sharpie through the house.”

Seen just now on WeChat:

“Still gangsta” I whisper to myself as I drink my chamomile tea with a heating pad on my back.

Broadcasted on LinkedIn:

I don’t really care how you met your partner. Tell me about how you met your nemesis.

Just shared via TikTok:

I don’t have mirrors in my house. I mean, who wants to see disappointment everyday?

Seen just now on Slack:

Just went to the Oreo website and hit “accept all cookies” … and now we wait.

They say an apple a day keeps a doctor away. But what do I need to eat to keep everyone away?

7 days ago

Funny Quotes

Humorous text about avoiding people with a witty twist on health advice.

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Commentary:
Ever tried garlic for breakfast? Guaranteed social distancing 😂🧄🚶‍♂️

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32 shares on Telegram this month:

Need a dimly lit cocktail date with a gaze so lustful it causes God to draft up another sin.

85 shares on Facebook this month:

Me: God, please stop giving me your toughest battles. God: You just have to empty the dishwasher.

75 shares on Messenger this month:

I think the Monday after Sunday should always be a day off.

79 shares on Facebook this month:

I’m going spiraling, do you need anything?

14 shares on Threads this month:

I never judge a book by its cover. People, though, I can tell are evil by their stupid faces.

83 shares on Discord this month:

My plumber asked me for a Google review. I said I thought it was a really good search engine and I’d give it 8/10.

12 shares on Reddit this month:

One day I’ll have a sassy, know-it-all daughter, and my husband will say, “She got that from you,” and I can’t wait.

88 shares on Reddit this month:

I modeled my morning routine on the humble rooster. Wake up, scream, wander around.

50 shares on WhatsApp this month:

I love when I can smell my perfume on myself, like damn girl, you smell delicious.

76 shares on WhatsApp this month:

The worst part of a fender bender is having to get out of your car and meet a new person.

Activity Log ✨

Someone from 🇧🇯 has viewed:

The only thing I gained this year is weight.

Someone from 🇩🇴 has shared:

A large group of people is called an “eww, no thank you”

Someone from 🇸🇿 has bookmarked:

My tattoo means that I can’t be trusted with $200.

Someone from 🇬🇭 has bookmarked:

Where did you come from, Where did you go, Where did you come from, Pokémon Go.

Someone from 🇬🇩 has bookmarked:

I accidentally messed up my life. How do I start a new account?

Someone from 🇨🇺 has downloaded:

No one warned me that being an adult was mostly just hurrying up to get somewhere you don’t want to go in the first place.

Someone from 🇲🇪 has copied:

In the coffee shop, booing everyone who orders decaf.

Someone from 🇸🇴 has copied:

Be warned: I’m bored. This could get dangerous.

Someone from 🇬🇩 has copied:

Can’t. Just put my hair in a bun and that’s just about enough exercise for today.

Someone from 🇧🇧 has downloaded:

Welcome to your 50’s, you’ll look for your phone while scrolling on your phone.

Social Media Log 💫

Seen just now on Twitch:

I did some exercise in 2010, I should be good for another few years.

Just landed via Slack:

There’s a special place in hell for people like you (next to me).

Just landed via Slack:

I’m a Leo so I just eat the other astrological signs.

Shared recently on Telegram:

Big city friend is complaining about a 10 minute wait for a subway while I sit here waiting for the rail replacement horse.

Broadcasted on LinkedIn:

Anybody else not stopped farting this evening? Asking for a friend.

Making waves on Threads:

Maybe the grass is greener over there because you’re not over there messing it up.

Just shared via Facebook:

If you can’t say anything nice, say something funny.

Seen just now on Facebook:

I’ll find a cell mate before I’ll ever find a soulmate.

Making waves on Telegram:

A gentle reminder that if your birth year starts with a 19, you should consider wrapping the Christmas presents on a table, and not on the floor.

Shared recently on X:

Sometimes, I feel like my brain is still running on Windows 95.

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Activity Log ✨

They say an apple a day keeps a doctor away. But what do I need to eat to keep everyone away?

Somehow I picked the worst possible decade to try to have a career.

I was not made for a 9 to 5; I was made to eat pasta and lay in the sun like a lizard.

Drunk me promising you anything is the equivalent of a politician giving their manifesto … it’s not gonna happen.

Isn’t it weird that we have one hand that knows how to do everything and then one hand that just sits there like ‘I don’t know how to hold a pencil.’

It may sound crazy but some of us are nice without hidden agendas.

No open job postings for “Warrior Poet” found in your area. Please try another search.

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Wordgag ツ

Activity Log ✨

They say an apple a day keeps a doctor away. But what do I need to eat to keep everyone away?

Keep the laugh going 😂

Somehow I picked the worst possible decade to try to have a career.

I was not made for a 9 to 5; I was made to eat pasta and lay in the sun like a lizard.

Drunk me promising you anything is the equivalent of a politician giving their manifesto … it’s not gonna happen.

Isn’t it weird that we have one hand that knows how to do everything and then one hand that just sits there like ‘I don’t know how to hold a pencil.’

It may sound crazy but some of us are nice without hidden agendas.

No open job postings for “Warrior Poet” found in your area. Please try another search.

Social Media Stars ⭐

Trending Topics 📁

Activity Log ✨