Would rather walk around a shop 500 times to find something than ask a member of staff who works there like a normal person.

27 shares on Messenger this month:

Imagine you’re on jury duty and the courtroom sketch artist draws stink lines above you.

92 shares on WeChat this month:

I forgot to take my meds so I’m looking forward to joining the squirrels in the tree to talk politics.

16 shares on Pinterest this month:

Golf is a great way to learn all of the new curse words your subconscious has been cooking up in the lab.

49 shares on Facebook this month:

Have a good weekend, unless you have other plans.

59 shares on Facebook this month:

I’m writing a parenting book called ‘Kids won’t listen until you scream like your mother did’.

38 shares on Snapchat this month:

Dua Lipa is a fantastic singer AND Mario’s advice to Luigi when he wants to get on a slightly higher platform.

90 shares on Instagram this month:

The worst thing about being an adult is that you have to be one every single day.

30 shares on WeChat this month:

Are you coming to the party? There will be noise and lights but I found a corner for us to hide.

40 shares on TikTok this month:

Twitter is the only place where well-articulated sentences still get misinterpreted. You can say “I like pancakes,” and somebody will say, “So you hate waffles?”

59 shares on LinkedIn this month:

You ever notice how fans of the worst music always focus on the meanings of the songs instead of the actual music?