I hate when people ask me, “What did you do today?” Like, buddy, listen, I woke up at noon and then it was five p.m., okay? I don’t know.

Someone from 🇦🇿 has copied:

If I ever say “with all due respect”, please understand that there is none.

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Could you even imagine the crime rate if no one drank coffee or ate bacon.

Someone from 🇸🇲 has downloaded:

I avoid drama by being unpopular.

Someone from 🇭🇺 has downloaded:

If your boyfriend insists he rolls everywhere because it’s ‘faster than walking’, you may be dating a gamer.

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If I get rid of social media, how will I know what everyone ate for dinner?

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Tried counting sheep, but now I’m emotionally invested in their backstories and I think one might need therapy.

Someone from 🇳🇪 has viewed:

Pretty cool that we all come together on Christmas and celebrate the birth of Santa.

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People who listen to their sad playlist when they’re happy are a different breed of unstable.

Someone from 🇯🇴 has downloaded:

I would like to thank my middle finger for always sticking up for me when I needed it.

Someone from 🇮🇩 has downloaded:

This gingerbread house isn’t even close to fire safety codes.