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10,000+ funny quotes

Activity Log ✨

Someone from 🇲🇭 has bookmarked:

I bet there’s a couple of seconds on that medieval torture stretcher rack where it feels incredible.

Someone from 🇳🇮 has shared:

I was blinded by a goddamn deer with a shiny red nose… No, officer, I haven’t been drinking.

Someone from 🇧🇿 has bookmarked:

When I dance, people say it reminds them of a wild dog chasing its tail.

Someone from 🇭🇳 has shared:

Everyone’s “the nicest guy ever” until the cops are in their backyard digging up several bodies.

Someone from 🇧🇯 has shared:

This coffee is not coffeeing the way I need it to be coffeeing.

Someone from 🇰🇲 has viewed:

Fifty shades of I miss you.

Someone from 🇸🇪 has viewed:

Obsessed with how Siri just doesn’t work at all, ever.

Someone from 🇲🇼 has viewed:

Once I see a vein on your forehead while we arguing, I’ll let you be.

Someone from 🇳🇦 has copied:

Any day now, there will be a child born and named Labubu.

Someone from 🇳🇿 has shared:

We can’t both age regress at the same time — someone’s gonna have to push me on the swingset.

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Funny Quotes Total

15,752

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17,765

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15,752

Updated

Jan 20, 2026

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Social Media Log 💫

Spotted on TikTok:

I just start doing the Macarena when I want to end conversations now.

Spreading quickly via Threads:

Don’t come to my house unannounced. I will stare at you from my window.

Broadcasted on Discord:

Guys, please stop wearing NASA shirts, I bet you can’t even name one of their songs.

Just shared via X:

The more I parent the more convinced I am that the ears on toddlers are purely for decoration.

Breaking via TikTok:

Married life: Telling your partner the same sentence 7 days in a row, only for him to say, “You definitely never told me that!”

Spotted on Telegram:

I never get as envious of parents as I do when their baby starts crying and they get to leave the event.

Seen just now on Threads:

Happy Earth Day. You don’t look a day over 4 billion years and get hotter every year.

Trending via WhatsApp:

Avocado toast at a cafe: $10. Avocado toast from Uber Eats: $25. Avocado toast made at home: $550 (my labor is worth $115 a minute).

Making waves on X:

Just had my biannual teeth cleaning like some barn animal.

Just shared via Facebook:

British people be like “It’s Chewsday, innit?”

“I’m not afraid to admit when I’m wrong. For example, I thought it was a good idea to leave the house today, which, as it turns out, was a terrible mistake.”

2 months ago

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Every time I leave the house, I'm reminded why sweatpants exist 😂🙈

admission, admit, afraid, bad, bad decision, daily, daily life, decision, example, good, house, humor, i, idea, irony, leave, leaving, leaving house, life, mistake, self-deprecation, terrible, thought, today, wrong

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Social Media Stars ⭐

45 shares on WhatsApp this month:

Not to brag but I always pick the slowest moving checkout line at the grocery store.

72 shares on Instagram this month:

Before cell phones, if you were bored in public, you had to flip a nickel in the air over and over.

89 shares on Threads this month:

Asking for a cigarette, then adding it to my own pack.

10 shares on WeChat this month:

The echo in my house when it’s clean is unsettling. Better order more stuff.

58 shares on Snapchat this month:

I am thick and tired.

53 shares on Discord this month:

Sometimes people come into your life — and they need to stop doing that.

63 shares on Discord this month:

You are depressed because your ancestors fought, danced, and ate meals together, and you eat alone in the dark while staring at a glowing rectangle.

56 shares on Telegram this month:

“Alcohol and beautiful women” is apparently not an appropriate answer when you are asked about your weaknesses in a job interview.

38 shares on TikTok this month:

Wanna worship each other until the end of all things?

72 shares on TikTok this month:

When I’m dying, please rush me to the nearest haunted house. I don’t want to haunt a shitty apartment by myself.

Activity Log ✨

Someone from 🇦🇪 has copied:

First World War. Kind of nervous.

Someone from 🇬🇶 has downloaded:

The term “domestic housewife” implies the existence of a feral housewife and that is what I aspire to be.

Someone from 🇹🇬 has shared:

Your twenties are for working towards a life you later won’t want.

Someone from 🇨🇱 has shared:

What, and I cannot stress this enough, day is it.

Someone from 🇬🇩 has viewed:

You should be allowed to miss work if you’re not feeling sexy.

Someone from 🇺🇸 has shared:

It’s funny how everyone who was all about Christmas a week ago is suddenly into New Year’s now.

Someone from 🇺🇸 has downloaded:

I wouldn’t describe myself as an “adult”, per se. More like a “long child”.

Someone from 🇦🇺 has downloaded:

The only squat I’m even considering doing today is diddly.

Someone from 🇴🇲 has shared:

Folks, please have more respect for people with glasses. Because they pay money to see you.

Someone from 🇬🇩 has bookmarked:

So apparently if they ask “do you trust me?”, replying with “well, I trust you to be you” is the incorrect response.

Social Media Log 💫

Freshly posted on X:

It actually is crazy how many people I know would benefit from being visited by three ghosts.

Going bananas on WhatsApp:

I want a girlfriend so she can make me do shit like pottery, and I act like I don’t want to go.

Making waves on Slack:

Never wrestle with a pig. You get dirty, and besides, the pig likes it.

Spotted on LinkedIn:

Thank you, God, for another day. Let’s get this 12-hour screen time.

Just shared via X:

Japan’s greatest tragedy is having the world’s best toilets and no Mexican food. What’s the point of owning a Ferrari if you never take it to the track?

Making waves on Twitch:

Not opening up anymore, have fun trying to figure me out.

Freshly posted on Twitch:

I did nothing wrong. I tried to do nothing and did it wrong.

Just landed via Discord:

Bacon should be free for anyone having a bad day.

Seen just now on WhatsApp:

Teens be like, “You know that crumbled up piece of paper that’s been on the table all week? I need it for school.”

Spotted on TikTok:

I dunno how to flirt but I can insult you so nicely.

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Activity Log ✨

“I’m not afraid to admit when I’m wrong. For example, I thought it was a good idea to leave the house today, which, as it turns out, was a terrible mistake.”

It’s messed up that there are a million songs about love, but zero about hopping on a quick call with key stakeholders.

Now that the nights are getting cooler again, spiders often hide in your bed in search of warmth. Sleep well!

Every CVS has its own unique energy that’s powerful enough to exalt or destroy the individual.

Being in your 20s is crazy because, why did you stay with someone you were that incompatible with for that long?

On the upside, my kids are helping with the dishes. On the downside, my kids are helping with the dishes.

Social Media Stars ⭐

Trending Topics 📁

Activity Log ✨

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Activity Log ✨

“I’m not afraid to admit when I’m wrong. For example, I thought it was a good idea to leave the house today, which, as it turns out, was a terrible mistake.”

Keep the laugh going 😂

It’s messed up that there are a million songs about love, but zero about hopping on a quick call with key stakeholders.

I think every app should, by law, let you deactivate all of its short-form video content.

Now that the nights are getting cooler again, spiders often hide in your bed in search of warmth. Sleep well!

Every CVS has its own unique energy that’s powerful enough to exalt or destroy the individual.

Being in your 20s is crazy because, why did you stay with someone you were that incompatible with for that long?

On the upside, my kids are helping with the dishes. On the downside, my kids are helping with the dishes.

Social Media Stars ⭐

Trending Topics 📁

Activity Log ✨