Commentary:
"Looks like some traditions just never go out of style! 🦃😅 Bring on the shame, it's the perfect side dish for Thanksgiving dinner. 😂🙈"
468 Funny family quotes
My kids couldn’t care less about personal hygiene unless we are running late somewhere.
Commentary:
"Apparently, my children have a secret agreement with Time itself – the more rushed we are, the more interested they become in personal hygiene 🕒🚿 #RunningLateStruggles #ParentingLife"
I would love to have children one day. Two days maximum.
Commentary:
"Planning for children? Make it a short and sweet affair – two days max! 😂👶 #ParentingGoals"
Hosting Thanksgiving? Bring up politics so everyone will leave early.
Commentary:
"Looking to have the quickest Thanksgiving cleanup ever? Just casually mention politics and watch your guests bolt out the door faster than you can say 'pumpkin pie'! 🏃♂️🥧🦃 #ExitStrategy"
Be the horrifying lore of your family’s lineage.
Commentary:
"Ah, the family reunions just got a whole lot spookier! 😱👻 Time to unearth those chilling tales and become the ultimate legend of the family tree… or should I say, family 'haunting'! 👹🌳"
If you’re alone on Thanksgiving, venmo me $25 and I’ll call and ask you when are you gonna get a “real” job and give me grandchildren.
Commentary:
"Who needs family drama when you can pay for it! 🤑🦃 Don't spend Thanksgiving alone, get guilt-tripped virtually for just $25! 😂💸 #TurkeyAndTeasing"
Christmas combines two things I love the most, getting fat and lying to children.
Commentary:
"Christmas: the season of expanding waistlines and expanding fibs to the little ones! 🎅🍪🤥🎄 Who says you can't indulge in both delicious treats and creative storytelling at the same time? It's all in the holiday spirit! 😉"
Mrs. Doubtfire is my favorite movie about violating a custody agreement.
Commentary:
"Mrs. Doubtfire: the OG stealthy custody hacker! 🤫🎬 Who needs lawyers when you have a wig and a Scottish accent, am I right? 😉 #CustodyGoals"
I think my dad just eradicated a small village with his sneeze.
Commentary:
Looks like Dad's sneeze packed quite the punch! 💥🤧 No need for explosives, just hand him a tissue next time! 🤣 #SneezeOfMassDestruction
I purposely overcook my holiday turkeys so I don’t have to hear anyone at the table say, “moist.”
Commentary:
"Ah, the strategic overcooking approach – a brilliant method to avoid the infamous 'moist' discussion at the table 🦃🔥 Who knew the path to a peaceful holiday feast involved sacrificing a crispy turkey skin? 😂"