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Funny Quotes Data 🤓

New funny quotes: 6400 this month

15,818 funny quotes and pics

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Updated: May 23, 2026

 

 

 

 

228 Funny wit quotes

Funny wit quotes celebrate the sharp, clever humor that hits you right between the eyes — and makes you laugh while you’re at it! 😏💡 From quick comebacks to brainy banter, these quotes are proof that a witty mind is the ultimate comedy weapon. Get ready for some smart laughs with serious style! 😂🧠🎯

Old age is always 15 years older than I am.

Posted onMar 30, 2026

Whoever told you there’s no such thing as a stupid question lied.

Posted onMar 30, 2026

Sorry, I had feelings. I’ll replace them with jokes right away.

Posted onMar 30, 2026

Do clouds ever look down on us and say, “This one is shaped like an idiot”?

Posted onMar 30, 2026

My plan is to die young as late as possible.

Posted onMar 30, 2026

You don’t scare me. I used to have to call and ask a girl’s parents if she was there.

Posted onMar 30, 2026

Sometimes I wish I had a speed bump between my brain and my mouth.

Posted onMar 29, 2026

To bed then. To bed with you! Guards, take him to my bed!

Posted onMar 29, 2026

It’s been a pleasure miscommunicating with you.

Posted onMar 29, 2026

He called me delusional, but I think he meant delicious.

Posted onMar 29, 2026

My favorite hobby is withering away.

Posted onMar 29, 2026

The clitoris has 8,000 nerves, if you gonna get on my nerves, get on one of those.

Posted onMar 29, 2026

“You like talking to yourself?” God forbid I seek advice from an expert.

Posted onMar 29, 2026

Maybe the reason you haven’t found your soulmate is because you don’t have a soul.

Posted onMar 29, 2026

Next time you think I am flirting with you, ask yourself if kindness is so rare in your life that you mistake it for desire.

Posted onMar 29, 2026

Not many things sadder than an untickled fancy.

Posted onMar 29, 2026

Please don’t be mean to me, because I can be meaner and I hate being mean.

Posted onMar 29, 2026

I think something is so beautifully wrong with you.

Posted onMar 29, 2026

We were having tea with my mother-in-law the other day and out of the blue she said, “I’ve decided I want to be cremated.” I said, “Alright, get your coat.”

Posted onMar 29, 2026

I don’t abuse substances. I cherish and nurture them.

Posted onMar 29, 2026

Those eyes ain’t gonna roll itself, let me help you.

Posted onMar 29, 2026

Why can’t more dumb people be shy?

Posted onMar 29, 2026

We should put a tariff on being mean to me.

Posted onMar 29, 2026

Your email finds me deeply unwell. Teetering on the edge really.

Posted onMar 29, 2026

I have the sex drive of a potato.

Posted onMar 29, 2026

Lately I have the attention span of wait what?

Posted onMar 29, 2026

Good morning, dickhead, your little ray of sarcastic sunshine has arrived.

Posted onMar 29, 2026

Anyone who lives within their means suffers from a lack of imagination.

Posted onMar 29, 2026

I’m addicted to placebos.

Posted onMar 29, 2026

My level of sarcasm’s gotten to a point where I don’t even know if I’m kidding or not.

Posted onMar 28, 2026

I end all my sentences with “Just saying..” because ending them with “You bonehead..” would probably be considered offensive.

Posted onMar 28, 2026

I would go out of my mind, but I can’t find the exit.

Posted onMar 28, 2026

It’s not true that I had nothing on. I had the radio on.

Posted onMar 28, 2026

Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company.

Posted onMar 28, 2026

If you’re too open-minded, your brains will fall out.

Posted onMar 28, 2026

I don’t have a nervous system, I am a nervous system.

Posted onMar 28, 2026

I’m not athletic, but I’m good at jumping to conclusions.

Posted onMar 28, 2026

No, no, I’m listening, it just takes me some time to process so much stupidity all at once.

Posted onMar 28, 2026

Don’t let the British accent fool you. I’m not saying anything smart.

Posted onMar 28, 2026

I’m not being smart, I’m just a skilled trained professional in pointing out the obvious.

Posted onMar 28, 2026

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