25 funny humorist quotes - Wordgag

When you’re sad, find two equally sad friends and form a cryangle.

Mar 30, 2026

If at first you don’t succeed, the internet will let you know immediately.

Mar 30, 2026

‘Another bombshell has entered the villa!’ I say to myself as I walk in the front door of my own home.

Mar 30, 2026

My girlfriend treats me like a god. She ignores my existence and only talks to me when she needs something.

Mar 30, 2026

Yogurts should come in a five-pack, not a four-pack, or make the workweek four days.

Mar 30, 2026

Asking my dentist a question, but sticking my fingers in his mouth before he replies.

Mar 30, 2026

My family asked me what I wanted for Mother’s Day, so I packed their bags and changed the locks.

Mar 30, 2026

More often than not, I read applause as applesauce.

Mar 30, 2026

I assume people who bookmark my posts are building a case against me.

Mar 30, 2026

I’d post more pics, but I don’t want y’all falling in love all at once.

Mar 30, 2026

True bravery is getting a text from a woman with three questions in it, and only responding to one.

Mar 30, 2026

I got so lost there for a minute (several years).

Mar 30, 2026

I might not put the sparkle in your eyes, but I’ll definitely put the “WTF” wrinkles in your forehead.

Mar 30, 2026

It’s so cool when people who write for a living admit that they don’t read books or have thoughts.

Mar 30, 2026

Serious replies to silly posts are now illegal. Go talk to your wife.

Mar 30, 2026

The key to looking amazing is looking like shit most of the time, so it’s more of a surprise.

Mar 30, 2026

Due to unforeseen circumstances, I will be acting weird today.

Mar 30, 2026

Some things are better left alone, like me, for instance.

Mar 30, 2026

I’m the friend who shows up with a shovel and an alibi.

Mar 30, 2026

I don’t like to call it a xenomorph — I prefer the term “the alien from Alien.”

Mar 29, 2026

I wish I could have a kid just to see what it looks like… and then put it back.

Mar 29, 2026

Met my soulmate again today: mashed potatoes and gravy.

Mar 29, 2026

I followed my heart. It led me to the fridge.

Mar 29, 2026

I could post “hello” and there’d be a 20 day argument in the comments.

Mar 29, 2026

I used to have a great future in my past.

Mar 29, 2026