I can’t blame this generation too much for doing stupid stuff. My generation thought seven Police Academy movies were a good idea.

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Job interview: Where do you see yourself in five years? Me: Hopefully on a sabbatical.

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People always talk about how they love to sit in their cars for a while once they get home. Whenever I do that, my Uber driver yells at me.

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I’m never really sure what to do with my hands when I go jogging, so I don’t go jogging.

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Meetings are great because who doesn’t like being held hostage?

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I love sleeping in fishnets. Makes you feel like a big honey roast ham.

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Writers should get a direct line to the FBI so we can call them and give them a heads up when we’re googling ways to poison someone but just for a story.

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Your girlfriend needs two hours to get ready. But if you don’t have your shoes on when she’s ready, you’re the problem.

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Seeing my kids getting along, laughing, and peacefully playing together is the best minute of my day.

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I’ve started eating healthier and exercising if you’re wondering why I’m in such a crappy mood all of a sudden.

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If the interviewer doesn’t think it’s cool when you pull a quarter out of his ear, the job wasn’t good enough for you anyways.