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Funny Quotes Data 🤓

New funny quotes: 6 this month

15,831 funny quotes and pics

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Updated: Jun 2, 2026

 

 

 

 

 

74 Funny witty quotes

Funny witty quotes are the perfect sprinkle of humor and cleverness that can make anyone’s day brighter 😄✨. Imagine a cocktail 🍹 of laughter and wisdom, served with a twist of irony and a dash of sarcasm. These little gems are ideal for sharing with friends or adding a cheeky caption to your selfie 📸. Dive into the world of witty one-liners and watch your mood soar 🚀!

Eternal Sunshine of the Thotless Grind.

Posted onMay 26, 2026

Be useless, so nobody can use you.

Posted onMay 26, 2026

Sometimes I wonder if the plot ever gets tired of being twisted.

Posted onMay 26, 2026

If I ever say “with all due respect”, please understand that there is none.

Posted onMay 26, 2026

While you were rotting and wasting your life away, I was doing the exact same thing.

Posted onMay 26, 2026

I have friends in high places (birds).

Posted onMay 26, 2026

You’re no Sultan of Swing, buddy, you’re hardly a Governor of Groove.

Posted onMay 26, 2026

Need a dimly lit cocktail date with a gaze so lustful it causes God to draft up another sin.

Posted onMay 26, 2026

Tariff this, tariff that. When is somebody gonna tariff my clothes and kiss me?

Posted onMay 26, 2026

Oh, you drink black coffee? Tell your ulcer I said good morning.

Posted onMay 26, 2026

Dogs come when they’re called; cats take a message and get back to you later.

Posted onMay 25, 2026

Santa saw your Facebook posts. This year you’re getting a dictionary.

Posted onMay 25, 2026

I try not to laugh at my own jokes, but we all know I’m hilarious.

Posted onMay 25, 2026

To the people who have only fans, what’s stopping you from upgrading to an air conditioner?

Posted onMay 25, 2026

You’re mistaking me with someone who’s stupid.

Posted onMay 25, 2026

I’ve been blocked by better.

Posted onMay 25, 2026

I eat posts like yours for breakfast.

Posted onMay 24, 2026

I’ve got midlife crises older than you.

Posted onMay 24, 2026

“You’re a psychopath!” At least I’m on a path, babe, sort your life out.

Posted onMay 24, 2026

When they ask “how was your weekend?” answer “better than yours” and maintain eye contact.

Posted onMay 24, 2026

Handyman to customer: If I had wanted you to watch me work, I would have become an actor.

Posted onMay 23, 2026

I enjoy a glass of wine each night for its health benefits. The other glasses are for my witty comebacks and flawless dance moves.

Posted onMay 22, 2026

No, I won’t be attending your seance, I barely want to talk to the living.

Posted onMay 22, 2026

A man outside Boots told me that Jesus died for my sins. Thanks for spoiling the end of the Bible. I was only up to the bit with the fish.

Posted onMay 22, 2026

Cashier: Did you find everything? Me: Did you hide something?

Posted onMay 22, 2026

“Your sock has a hole in it!” Yeah, no shit, that’s how I get my foot in there.

Posted onMay 22, 2026

When someone points at your black clothes and asks whose funeral it is, having a look around the room and saying ‘Haven’t decided yet’ is typically a good response.

Posted onMay 21, 2026

Somebody should market a beer called “Occasionally”. So when asked, I can say, “I only drink occasionally”.

Posted onMay 21, 2026

When I write “I hope this email finds you well” I’m referring to the email’s skills in tracking you down.

Posted onMay 21, 2026

Dear Math, I don’t want to solve your problem, I have my own problems to solve.

Posted onMay 20, 2026

If you are hotter than me, it means I’m cooler than you.

Posted onMay 20, 2026

Sorry, I’m poor, I can’t afford to pay attention.

Posted onMay 20, 2026

I’m chronically online in a different and more sophisticated way than you are.

Posted onMay 19, 2026

Don’t worry, darling, you won’t break me. Someone already beat you to it.

Posted onMay 19, 2026

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