Trending Funny Quotes 👇

  • I wish I could lose weight as easily as I lose my keys, phone, temper, and my mind.
  • I like to keep my wife guessing by walking around the backyard carrying a ladder and a chainsaw.
  • After you do your laundry, you should be allowed to get in the dryer and tumble for a little. No charge.
  • I’m the guy at Apple who makes sure all your featured photos are your exes and your dog that died.
  • I don’t abuse substances. I cherish and nurture them.
  • Declined stepping on the scale at the doctor’s office because no one needs that kind of negativity in her life.