Just got hired at Five Guys as the guy who punches the burger before they put it in the bag.

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Middle-aged math is going out drinking and feeling half your age then waking up the next morning feeling twice your age.

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Yeah, I’ll get up soon, I just need to look at the internet first. Yes, the whole thing.

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I wish every day had 30,000 hours, and that I had unlimited Adderall and was unemployed.

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If I got possessed demonically, I wouldn’t even notice it. With everything else I’ve got going on.

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Dear sleep: thanks for trying, but you can’t beat surfing the net.

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Nighty night! Don’t let the horror of existence bite.

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Pretending I’m asleep so my boss has to carry me to the meeting.

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Mambo No. 5, but it’s in a minor key, and I’m naming women who didn’t text me back.

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The state of my house can best be described as “there seems to have been a struggle”.

Someone from 🇺🇬 has copied:

Friends come and go, like the waves of the ocean, but the true ones stay like an octopus on your face.