My cat, who has no job and pays no rent, is apparently unhappy with his fancy new cat food, and I, for some reason, am currently on my way back to the store to rectify the matter.

37 shares on TikTok this month:

Always funny to see motivational posts from people I know are toxic in real life.

30 shares on Instagram this month:

I kind of can’t wait for my generation to be bumping 90’s hip hop, rap, and heavy metal at the old folks’ homes.

57 shares on WhatsApp this month:

I put the “pro” in procrastinate.

96 shares on Facebook this month:

Someone told me I’ve gained weight. I told them it was for a part in a movie. I’ve never acted in my life. Until that moment.

75 shares on Messenger this month:

If I were lost and all I had was a compass, I would still be lost.

31 shares on Messenger this month:

Depression is embarrassing because sometimes it makes you miss appointments and not return phone calls, and when the fog starts to lift, you gotta do a whole bloody apology tour.

32 shares on Facebook this month:

Like shark attacks on humans, it’s actually extremely rare. The majority of antique, porcelain headed dolls aren’t interested in murdering people.

32 shares on Slack this month:

The season is back when women are 80% scarf.

88 shares on Reddit this month:

I don’t flirt. I just say weird things and hope you interpret them romantically.

71 shares on Messenger this month:

Please be nice to me. I’m in my twenties. Do you know what that does to a person?