Pet owners be like “this is my pet Snoopy, but their nicknames are Booboo and Thicky Boy!”

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To cut the long story short, I have spent all my money.

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“I thought it might be nice to go round the room and say a bit about ourselves.” Oh dear, you thought wrong.

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I can clean the whole house if I want to, but if someone asks me to do it, suddenly I’m lazy.

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Friendly reminder that double negatives are a big no-no.

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Socks teach us that being made for each other does not mean being together.

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Me gasping and flipping off the vultures as they circle above the running track.

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When I take a shower I’m: 5% cleaning myself, 10% singing, 85% making life changing decisions.

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Good morning to everyone except people that talk to the cashier about their entire day.

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Hey bartender, can you turn down the music, please? This guy I just met is trying to explain how baseball works.

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Shopping at the dollar store makes me feel rich and poor all at the same time.