The problem with dating apps is I don’t wanna date someone that would use a dating app.

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It’s always “you’re so cute when you’re mad,” until the house is on fire.

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The recipe I’m making specifically says “allow to cook undisturbed,” and yet my whole family is standing in the kitchen.

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My toxic trait is optimism.

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People say opposites attract, but I say find a partner who’s deranged in the same ways you are and double your capacity to be annoying.

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It’s awkward touching hands with another man inside a popcorn bag, especially if you don’t know the man and he doesn’t know you’re eating his popcorn.

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A fun thing to do on a first date is wear a wedding dress.

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Controlling your anger at work is a job in itself.

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Being too stressed isn’t good for the baby. I’m not pregnant though, it’s just that I’m the baby.

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People who live alone should get one practice conversation before they have to speak out loud for the first time that day.

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Hug your children as often as you can. They can’t break things during this time.