161 funny marriage quotes - Page 2 - Wordgag

Unpopular opinion: a honeymoon is more needed 5 to 10 years down the road, versus right after getting married.

May 28, 2026

Marriage! Because your shitty day doesn’t have to end at work.

May 28, 2026

Everyone thinks they won’t be that couple that goes from ‘everything you do is a turn-on’ to ‘you’re breathing too loud,’ but they will be, oh, they will be.

May 27, 2026

A big part of my wife’s cardio routine is rolling away from me in bed.

May 27, 2026

Why would I get married when it’s a well-known fact that only 50% of all marriages end in divorce?

May 27, 2026

There are two types of people: those who are clueless about their kids’ schedules and the other who plan it down to the minute. And they end up marrying each other.

May 27, 2026

89% of the time when my husband tells me I look great, what he really means is, “We needed to leave five minutes ago.”

May 27, 2026

Had calamari for the first time ever, and it wasn’t that bad. Maybe I’ll try marriage next.

May 27, 2026

Of course, a wife can complain to her mother-in-law. She has every right to complain to the manufacturer.

May 27, 2026

For my next trick, I’ll need a divorce lawyer.

May 27, 2026

When my husband says, “Let me ask my wife,” he’s just using me as an excuse to get out of whatever you’re asking him to do.

May 27, 2026

Marriage tip: If your wife goes silent in the middle of an argument, you probably shouldn’t ask if you can go back to mowing the lawn.

May 27, 2026

My wife rearranged the kitchen cabinets, and now I’ll never eat again.

May 27, 2026

Turns out the honeymoon phase lasts forever when you pick the right partner.

May 27, 2026

Sex before marriage is a sin unless you do it doggy style, because all dogs go to heaven. Follow me for more biblical loopholes.

May 27, 2026

Hide and seek, except it’s my husband searching for where he last put his pants.

May 27, 2026

My husband needs a hearing aid, but refuses to get one because it’s the key to our happy marriage.

May 27, 2026

I’ll marry the person who can go to a family event with me and still like me afterward.

May 26, 2026

Not to brag, but my wife just described the dinner I made as “interesting.”

May 26, 2026

Divorcing my wife to focus on my porn addiction.

May 26, 2026

I can’t wait to get married so I can bring home unnecessary stuff and get yelled at for it.

May 26, 2026

Marry the man who treats your dumb questions like they’re NASA-level problems.

May 26, 2026

I told my wife to embrace her mistakes. She gave me a hug.

May 26, 2026

If you want to make your mother proud, make her my mother-in-law.

May 26, 2026

Wife is temporary. Being the hot EX is forever.

May 26, 2026

If a man speaks in the forest and his wife is not there to hear him, is he still wrong?

May 26, 2026

I will marry a man who treats me delicately as if I’m a gift straight from heaven.

May 26, 2026

Marriage is 33.3% hiding to eat snacks because you and your spouse are supposed to be on a diet.

May 26, 2026

The only person I ever call is my wife, and that’s just when we’re trying to find her phone.

May 26, 2026

The worst part about working from home is that your real husband is also your work husband.

May 26, 2026

One downside of marrying a doctor is you have to give up eating apples.

May 26, 2026

Marriage is for life. But when that was first said, life was shorter.

May 26, 2026

My best friend is married and buying a house. I ate popcorn for dinner.

May 26, 2026

When I turned into the harbor of marriage, I didn’t know that a warship was anchored there.

May 26, 2026

I haven’t spoken to my wife in years. I didn’t want to interrupt her.

May 26, 2026

The marriage rate has been trending downward. Choreographed wedding dances may be the reason.

May 25, 2026

Marriage is like a phone call at the night: First there’s the ring, and then you wake up.

May 25, 2026

If your wife uses “I” it means she will be doing something. “We” means you will be.

May 25, 2026

When a man gets married he has a moral obligation to scare his wife when he sneezes.

May 25, 2026

Imagine marrying an old man for money and you die first.

May 25, 2026