I’m not flirting with you. I’m just funny and you think you like me.

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There’s nothing like the first two months with a man when he’s still pretending to be a good person.

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Paycheck hit. I’m at Michaels Arts & Crafts supply store telling them to bring out Michael.

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I didn’t mean to mimic your voice, I just had to know what it felt like to sound like that.

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With great power comes a huge electric bill.

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If you think swimming with dolphins is expensive, you should try swimming with sharks. It cost me an arm and a leg!

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Cows are very calm, considering the whole floor is food to them.

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Every homemade dinner counts as negative calories because of the exercise we get waving pillows at the smoke detectors.