I wish the homes of all my friends were connected to mine by secret underground tunnels. Posted onMay 20, 2026
I haven’t tried Yoga, but I bent over to pick up my keys off the floor, so I’m sure I wouldn’t like Yoga. Posted onMay 20, 2026
Lies I tell myself: Just one more cookie. Just one more movie. Just one more minute. Posted onMay 20, 2026
Throwing someone under the bus sounds hard, let’s just sell ’em down the river and call it a day. Posted onMay 20, 2026
I never make the same mistake twice. I make it like five or six times. You know, just to be sure. Posted onMay 20, 2026
My morning routine includes 20 minutes of staring at the ceiling thinking about how tired I am and debating if I really need to live today. Posted onMay 20, 2026
Do you scroll through Netflix to find a good show for your dog to watch when you leave the house or are you normal? Posted onMay 20, 2026
Told someone I’m as “single as a pringle and as neato as a dorito” and they blocked me immediately. Posted onMay 20, 2026
Why does it take 5-7 business days to refund my money when it took 5-7 seconds to take it out of my account? Posted onMay 20, 2026
I like to live life dangerously by occasionally sticking my foot out over the edge of the bed at night. Posted onMay 20, 2026
Best friends: they know how crazy you are but still choose to be seen in public with you. Posted onMay 20, 2026
I was once told that if you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all. Due to this, I’ve been observing a vow of silence since 1997. Posted onMay 20, 2026
If you’re curious what the priciest item in a store is just bring a kid along because they’ll definitely find then break it. Posted onMay 20, 2026
Liquor on the top shelf is so expensive because the bartender has to stand on their tippy toes to reach it. Posted onMay 20, 2026
I used to be able to eat whatever I wanted without gaining weight. Now I pick up a fork and gain seven pounds. Posted onMay 20, 2026
Not all who wander are lost. Some are just moms. In Target. Hiding from their children. Posted onMay 20, 2026
I don’t want to brag or anything, but I can still fit in the earrings I wore in high school. Posted onMay 20, 2026
She said she liked animals but apparently all the fruit flies around my apartment was a “turn off” Posted onMay 20, 2026
Dear autocorrect, that’s not what I was trying to say. I’m getting tired of your shirt. Posted onMay 20, 2026
Might make a living will because I don’t want my family deciding whether to pull the plug. My dad has a long history of being against wasting electricity. Posted onMay 20, 2026
That moment the doorbell rings and you tip toe to the window pretending you’re not home. Posted onMay 20, 2026