The first Humans saw the sun go up and then back down, and so they decided to call it a day. Posted onMay 20, 2026
I hope Instagram is still active during the apocalypse, so the zombies can post pics of whose brains they’re currently eating. Posted onMay 20, 2026
I wish I loved exercise as much as I love napping 3 times a day and eating 5 times the suggested serving size. Posted onMay 20, 2026
I’m trying to be awesome today, but I’m too exhausted from being so awesome yesterday. Posted onMay 20, 2026
I am physically, mentally and emotionally ready to enter a new phase in my life…. hibernation. Posted onMay 20, 2026
Some people can eat anything they want and stay slim. I put on weight just by reading the recipe. Posted onMay 20, 2026
I’m sorry, I didn’t realize that you’re an expert on my life and how I should live it! Please continue while I take notes. Posted onMay 20, 2026
My heart says, chocolate and wine, but my jeans say “Woman, are you kidding? Eat a salad!” Posted onMay 20, 2026
I think it broke my boyfriend’s heart when I said he couldn’t have Salma Hayek for Valentine’s Day. Posted onMay 20, 2026
Sleeping is nice, because you’re not actually dead and you’re not awake, so its a win-win situation. Posted onMay 20, 2026
Every time your mom tells you that she wants the best for you, she is talking about me. Posted onMay 20, 2026
Where do cicadas go when they’re not screaming? I’d like to go there and scream. Posted onMay 20, 2026
Always do sober what you said you’d do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut. Posted onMay 20, 2026
Just knowing that I have to get out of bed tomorrow is already annoying and it’s not even dark yet. Posted onMay 20, 2026
My eye doctor is alarmingly young and when he said he thought I had a chalazion or a hordoleum, I thought he might be referencing Pokémon. Posted onMay 20, 2026
If anyone wants a more cost effective energy provider, I can supply endless energy on tap from my absolutely not tired child at bedtime. Posted onMay 20, 2026
I don’t want to adult today, I just want to dog. I’ll be lying down on the floor in the sun, you can pet me and bring me some snacks. Posted onMay 20, 2026