Another fine day ruined by waking up.

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My daily exercise routine involves running late, jumping to conclusions and pushing my luck.

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What is the name of the course in medical school where you learn not to take your patients seriously?

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If a stranger starts talking to me in an elevator I say “I don’t want to talk in case we get stuck and I have to eat you” that usually shuts them up.

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Be the one that gets asked to remove the hockey mask, during a conference call, on Friday the 13th.

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We need a word for that weird feeling you get when you learn what a podcaster looks like.

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The problem with parental controls is I need my kid to help me figure out how to set them up.

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When the executioner asks me what my final words are, I’m just going to start filibustering.

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Starting is the hardest part. Unless it’s eating chocolate. Then stopping is the hardest part.

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If you wave your keys in front of a giant house, people will think you own it.

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I bet the inventor of the cannon would be relieved to know that they’re mostly about t-shirts now.