Sorry, I just saw your text from last night. Are you guys still at the restaurant? Posted onMay 30, 2026
I’ve been saying for years that cigs are better for you than vapes, and the vindication I feel now is just orgasmic. Posted onMay 30, 2026
I was explaining to my Ukrainian colleague the phrase ‘There’s no such thing as a free lunch’. She told me the equivalent in Ukrainian is ‘The only free cheese is in the mousetrap’ — which is so much better. Posted onMay 30, 2026
I once hated my job so much that I would come home from work and watch vlogs of people quitting their jobs, wishing it was me. Posted onMay 30, 2026
Buying something nice for myself, cuz today would’ve been my birthday if I was born today. Posted onMay 30, 2026
Just did several sets of some bullshit at the gym… no idea which muscles have been targeted. Posted onMay 30, 2026
Vacations are expensive, but how else could you put a price tag on your kids being ungrateful in a different city. Posted onMay 30, 2026
Sorry, I ghosted you. I just felt like you were gonna ghost me, so I did it first. Posted onMay 30, 2026
Big fan of calling artists their first name and then the band name as their last name. Posted onMay 30, 2026
No, you don’t understand. This is my special mistake. I keep making it because it is very dear to me, like an old friend. Posted onMay 30, 2026
Once I matched with a guy and ended up finding out he lived in my neighborhood, so I told him to go outside and scream, and he did. And I heard it. Posted onMay 30, 2026
All strapless bras need to be taken off the shelves. A total recall. We do not have the technology yet. Posted onMay 30, 2026
Had the bed all to myself last night, so you know what that means… I slept in a slightly different spot, and now my neck feels weird. Posted onMay 30, 2026
Just got revenge on someone who wronged me many, many years ago. Never relax, I’m coming. Posted onMay 30, 2026
Putting a baby on board sticker on my car because other drivers have a right to know who they’re dealing with behind the wheel. Posted onMay 30, 2026
Guy in front of me at the movies was reading the popcorn Wikipedia page while he was eating popcorn. Posted onMay 30, 2026