I caught your husband cheating on you at an Alanis concert, and thought you, you, you oughta know. Posted onMay 30, 2026
Please text me back. I’m about to start making stuff up in my head, and the stuff is all bad. Posted onMay 30, 2026
I’ve convinced myself bumblebees don’t sting because they’re too fluffy and cute. Posted onMay 30, 2026
I made soup while whispering “He was never mine,” like it’s 1893, and I just lost my beloved to a duel. Posted onMay 30, 2026
Nothing like a grandfather clock to remind you every hour that you’re still awake. Posted onMay 30, 2026
They were called “TV programs” because they were literally programming us, bro. Posted onMay 30, 2026
Addicted to bad posture. Omggg, why is it so comfortable to give yourself scoliosis? Posted onMay 30, 2026
“Is this a joke to you?” Unfortunately, everything is a little bit of a joke to me. Posted onMay 30, 2026
Schedule your bikini wax for the first thing in the morning, and you won’t need that cup of coffee. Posted onMay 30, 2026
Maybe somewhere in a parallel universe, I wake up feeling refreshed and energetic each day. Posted onMay 30, 2026
Late replies don’t bother me. As long as we’re not in love, or you don’t owe me money, take your time. Posted onMay 30, 2026
I wanted to wear some hot lingerie, but didn’t have any, so I put on this red dental floss. Posted onMay 30, 2026
I’ve got 99 problems. I know this because I wake up in the middle of the night to review each and every one of them in great detail. Posted onMay 30, 2026
I don’t need therapy. I need everyone who’s ever wronged me to suddenly feel a chill and not know why. Posted onMay 30, 2026
Every single morning, I have to get out of bed and do things, and it’s bullshit. Posted onMay 30, 2026
I found out my wife was cheating on me at a Red Hot Chili Peppers concert, and I don’t ever wanna feel like I did that day. Posted onMay 30, 2026
I don’t believe the phrase “if they wanted to, they would,” because I want to, and I don’t. Posted onMay 30, 2026
Turns out, sitting on the porch, feeding birds and squirrels, is a pretty good treatment for depression. Posted onMay 30, 2026