Commentary:
"Getting your sh*t together only to have the world end? That's the ultimate plot twist! 🤷♂️😅 Better make sure the apocalypse doesn't ruin your glow-up game plan!"
90 Funny shit quotes
When Hulk wrecks shit he’s “incredible.” When I do it I’m “causing a scene” and “need to leave this place immediately.”
Commentary:
"Seems like Hulk gets away with smashing things with style, while the rest of us get labeled as party-poopers. 🤷♂️ Guess it's all about who pulls off the green look better! 💪🏼💥 #HulkSaysSorryNotSorry"
Wow, this person is full of shit. Oh, I’m on my own page.
Commentary:
"Looks like this person's BS meter is off the charts! 😂 Oh well, guess I'll just go color in my own coloring book. 🎨📚"
People always tell me I’d be “late to my own funeral” like it’s a bad thing. They’d be lucky if I even showed up to that depressing shit.
Commentary:
"Late to my own funeral? Please, I'd probably stop for coffee on the way! ☕️😂 Who needs to show up to a party they can't enjoy? 🎉💀 #FashionablyLateForever"
Halloween is a big day for dogs who love to absolutely lose their shit when the doorbell rings.
Commentary:
"Watch out, folks! It's the spooktacular doorbell conspiracy theory in action 🐶🔔👻 Just another day in the life of our furry doorbell defenders! 🐕🎃 #HalloweenDrama"
Quit keeping your enemies closer. No wonder you feel like shit.
Commentary:
"Who needs enemies when you're already surrounded by negativity? 🤷♂️ Time to trade in those toxic relationships for some good vibes and self-care! 🌟 #BeYourOwnBestFriend"
Dinosaurs are always described as “roaming” the earth, which is patronizing as hell, I bet they had places to go and important shit to do.
Commentary:
"Seriously, stop belittling those majestic dinosaurs with your 'roaming' label. They were probably busy running errands, attending dino meetings, and grabbing coffee with their dino buddies.🦖💼 Don't mess with a dino's packed schedule!🦕⏰ #BusyDinos"
Bands are always like “here’s another song”. Yeah, no shit, that’s pretty much all you do.
Commentary:
Oh, so it's news that bands release songs? 🤷♂️ Next they'll be surprising us with concerts and albums! 🎶😂 It's a tough life being a rockstar, always keeping us on our toes with those unexpected songs! 🎸🎤 #BandLife
Went fishing and actually caught a fish. So now I gotta deal with this shit.
Commentary:
"Who knew the fish would take the bait so literally?! 🎣 Looks like you reeled in more than you bargained for this time! Maybe it's time to upgrade to catch-and-release fishing…or invest in a bigger frying pan! 🐟🔥"
You can always gauge my mood by the type of animal videos I share: sweet puppy videos or a cat smacking the shit out of someone.
Commentary:
"Need to know my mood? Just check my animal video sharing history – one moment it's adorable puppies melting your heart, the next it's a sassy cat serving up some serious attitude 😼🐶 #MoodSwingsInHD"