Commentary:
"Who needs enemies when you're already surrounded by negativity? 🤷♂️ Time to trade in those toxic relationships for some good vibes and self-care! 🌟 #BeYourOwnBestFriend"
95 Funny shit quotes
Dinosaurs are always described as “roaming” the earth, which is patronizing as hell, I bet they had places to go and important shit to do.
Commentary:
"Seriously, stop belittling those majestic dinosaurs with your 'roaming' label. They were probably busy running errands, attending dino meetings, and grabbing coffee with their dino buddies.🦖💼 Don't mess with a dino's packed schedule!🦕⏰ #BusyDinos"
Bands are always like “here’s another song”. Yeah, no shit, that’s pretty much all you do.
Commentary:
Oh, so it's news that bands release songs? 🤷♂️ Next they'll be surprising us with concerts and albums! 🎶😂 It's a tough life being a rockstar, always keeping us on our toes with those unexpected songs! 🎸🎤 #BandLife
Went fishing and actually caught a fish. So now I gotta deal with this shit.
Commentary:
"Who knew the fish would take the bait so literally?! 🎣 Looks like you reeled in more than you bargained for this time! Maybe it's time to upgrade to catch-and-release fishing…or invest in a bigger frying pan! 🐟🔥"
You can always gauge my mood by the type of animal videos I share: sweet puppy videos or a cat smacking the shit out of someone.
Commentary:
"Need to know my mood? Just check my animal video sharing history – one moment it's adorable puppies melting your heart, the next it's a sassy cat serving up some serious attitude 😼🐶 #MoodSwingsInHD"
Why do my kids have Veteran’s Day off, they haven’t done shit.
Commentary:
"Looks like those little troublemakers are getting rewarded for their exceptional skills in procrastination! Maybe it's time for them to earn their stripes… and do some chores! 🤣🏆💪"
The secret to being a private person is to overshare dumb shit so people think you are an open book but then not tell them any of the important details of your life.
Commentary:
"Oh, the art of bamboozling with a sprinkle of cunning! 🤫💁♂️ Oversharing a buffet of trivial tidbits to distract from the vault of deep secrets? Masterful strategy or just pure genius? 🤔🔒 Either way, it's all fun and games until the important info remains under lock and key! 🗝️😄 #SneakyButStylish"
Christmas adverts: “Eat all the food! Drink all the drink! Spoil yourself! It’s Christmas!” New year adverts: “Look at what you’ve done to yourself, you fat sack of shit!”
Commentary:
"Christmas adverts be like: 🍗🎅🥂 Spoil yourself, you're a Christmas angel! 🎄✨ New year adverts: 🥴🥗💪 Look at what you've done, you jolly ol' sack of Christmas treats! 🤣🎇"
Somebody needs to get my shit together.
Commentary:
"Looks like someone's personal organization skills are taking a vacation 🤷♂️ Time to round up those rogue socks and misplaced keys! Let's get this show on the road 💪🧦🔑 #LifeInTheFastLane"
I love that cats slap the shit out of everything they can’t understand.
Commentary:
"Ah, the graceful yet brutal art of the cat slap – their way of saying 'I have no idea what you are, so take this slap!' 🐾😹 Don't mess with the mysterious feline mind, or you might end up with a swift paw to the face!"