Wordgag ツ

10,000+ funny quotes

Activity Log ✨

Someone from πŸ‡―πŸ‡΄ has copied:

Instead of saying β€œGood morning,” my wife and I go straight into explanations of how badly we each slept.

Someone from πŸ‡ΉπŸ‡¬ has viewed:

I want someone who will look at me the same way I look at chocolate cake.

Someone from πŸ‡―πŸ‡² has downloaded:

One day you’ll meet that amazing person who just gets you, and they won’t text you back either.

Someone from πŸ‡―πŸ‡΄ has downloaded:

Yesterday, I went to the grocery store, and I managed to come home without any junk food. Now, I’m mad that we don’t have any junk food.

Someone from πŸ‡²πŸ‡Ώ has downloaded:

The local casino is hosting a speed dating event. Just what every woman needs, a new boyfriend with a gambling problem.

Someone from πŸ‡¦πŸ‡΄ has shared:

If at first you don’t succeed, try two more times so your failure is statistically significant.

Someone from πŸ‡ΏπŸ‡² has downloaded:

Does your blood pump that way just for me?

Someone from πŸ‡ΉπŸ‡± has shared:

Texting is so boring. Just show up to my door with roses.

Someone from πŸ‡³πŸ‡΅ has bookmarked:

Had a shower and put on clean pajamas. It was a productive day.

Someone from πŸ‡©πŸ‡Ώ has bookmarked:

The Airbnb reviews never tell you how comfortable the toilets are for falling asleep on.

Funny Quotes Data πŸ€“

New Funny Quotes

calculating…

Funny Quotes Total

15,752

Funny Quotes Topics

17,765

Funny Quotes Images

15,752

Updated

Jan 19, 2026

Users Online

3,285

Social Media Log πŸ’«

Just landed via LinkedIn:

When you try to be humble and say it’s no big deal and they agree with you.

Just shared via Facebook:

I’m ready for the exciting last 30 seconds of the basketball game, which stretch into 25 minutes of fouls, time-outs, and commercials.

Trending via Discord:

There are so many people going to hell. I’m thinking of investing in some property there.

Trending via Facebook:

I leave the blue tick on WhatsApp so that people can see exactly when I wasn’t interested.

Just shared via WhatsApp:

Sorry you thought I I was flirting with you; I had something in my eye.

Going viral on X:

Dear brain, please stop thinking so much exactly when it’s time to fall asleep.

Just landed via Messenger:

I waste a lot of time putting my phone down to just pick it back up again.

Making waves on X:

Chickens only make one sound, because they can’t think outside the bawks.

Making waves on Snapchat:

I finally became a butterfly, and everyone’s already asking what’s next.

Trending via Instagram:

Quitting my job to focus more on my desire not to work anymore.

Funny stand-up quotes

Funny stand-up quotes are the perfect way to add a burst of laughter to your day πŸ˜‚πŸŽ€ Whether you need a quick mood boost or some witty words to share with friends, these gems from comedy stages will have you chuckling nonstop 🀣✨ Get ready to enjoy the clever, unexpected, and downright hilarious moments that only stand-up comedians can deliver! 🎭πŸ”₯

New funny stand-up quotes πŸ‘‡

All funny stand-up quotes & images can be used for free for non-commercial purposes πŸ‘Œ

Funny Quotes Collections
✨ New Funny Quotes

Social Media Stars ⭐

100 shares on Instagram this month:

Someone you haven’t talked to in forever will show up in your dream just to do a backflip.

69 shares on Discord this month:

Why is everyone looking for intelligent life in space? Can we please start on Earth first?

90 shares on Facebook this month:

You ever spend the day with a skinny person and are like “ohhhh, that’s why you’re skinny”.

96 shares on TikTok this month:

I was having a great time until I remembered that I was ugly.

51 shares on Snapchat this month:

Family fistfights brought to you by Monopoly.

79 shares on Instagram this month:

Ugh, those red and blue flashing lights are interfering with my driving and scrolling.

15 shares on YouTube this month:

I don’t care what other people think of me, at least mosquitoes find me attractive.

97 shares on WeChat this month:

Our pronunciation of the word β€œcolonel” does feel like group psychosis.

100 shares on WeChat this month:

Not to brag but I gave someone directions and he made it.

53 shares on Instagram this month:

I don’t wanna start the year with any negativity so if you and I have had issues in the past, apologize to me immediately.

Trending Topics πŸ“

activity communication day food frustration fun humor i irony joke just know life love me media people procrastination relationship sarcasm social social media someone technology time want work

Hot Jokes πŸ’₯

19 folks are currently checking πŸ‘€

Do we barbecue with women or without salad?

5 folks are currently checking πŸ‘€

Ignored the small door that appeared in my apartment three days ago, and now it’s gone. That’s how it’s done.

25 folks are currently checking πŸ‘€

I feel like I’m in jail when I’m around unfunny people for too long.

11 folks are currently checking πŸ‘€

I like to just appear out of nowhere and say, β€œthis looks like a job for a binder clip.”

19 folks are currently checking πŸ‘€

They need to increase life expectancy so I can squeeze in another mid-life crisis.

12 folks are currently checking πŸ‘€

Pets don’t talk because the moment they do, the government will tax them.

16 folks are currently checking πŸ‘€

Not today, Satan, but next week works.

24 folks are currently checking πŸ‘€

Computer dating is fine, if you’re a computer.

5 folks are currently checking πŸ‘€

My sleeping pattern ain’t even a pattern anymore, it’s a freestyle that’s on shuffle.

24 folks are currently checking πŸ‘€

Yesterday my husband thought he saw a cockroach in the kitchen. He sprayed and cleaned everything thoroughly. Today I’m putting the cockroach in the bathroom.

Funny Quotes Data πŸ€“

New Funny Quotes

calculating…

Funny Quotes Total

15,752

Funny Quotes Topics

17,765

Funny Quotes Images

15,752

Updated

Jan 19, 2026

Users Online

3,674

Activity Log ✨

Someone from πŸ‡²πŸ‡» has viewed:

It’s always a huge relief when I’m reading a list of symptoms of a deadly disease, and it says unexplained weight loss.

Someone from πŸ‡¬πŸ‡Ή has shared:

Sobriety: because my standards got tired of lowering themselves.

Someone from πŸ‡±πŸ‡¨ has viewed:

Deleting dating apps to meet someone the old-fashioned way (in the HR department).

Someone from πŸ‡¬πŸ‡Ό has viewed:

When I was in elementary school, we learned about a shape called a rhombus, and that was the last time I ever heard about that shape ever again.

Someone from πŸ‡΅πŸ‡¬ has downloaded:

Blocking isn’t enough, I hope your pillow never has a cold side.

Someone from πŸ‡¬πŸ‡© has viewed:

The day your kids stop waking up early on the weekend is the same day your body stops letting you sleep in.

Someone from πŸ‡¦πŸ‡Ή has bookmarked:

I have so much to offer. It’s all bad, but still.

Someone from πŸ‡ΈπŸ‡ͺ has copied:

I really thought impromptu dance-offs were going to be more common.

Someone from πŸ‡§πŸ‡³ has viewed:

My superpower is holding onto stuff for years and throwing it away exactly one week before I need it.

Someone from πŸ‡ΏπŸ‡¦ has bookmarked:

According to the amount of bacon I just cooked. I’m a family of 8.

Social Media Log πŸ’«

Just shared via YouTube:

Therapy is basically me saying, “I did a thing,” and my therapist saying, “Yay, good job!”

Seen just now on Reddit:

Can’t believe I spent so many years of my life asking teachers if I was allowed to use the bathroom, and sometimes be told no. What the hell?

Going viral on Snapchat:

Opening up to people is a scam. Don’t do it.

Just landed via WeChat:

Whoever said β€œout of sight out of mind” never lost a spider in the bedroom.

Breaking via Reddit:

Signing all emails with BOOM SHAKALAKA today.

Shared recently on Facebook:

Really looking forward to the day my teenager starts speaking English again.

Just landed via Discord:

In retrospect, I guess “one drunken night of stupidity” isn’t the best response when a child asks you where babies come from.

Shared recently on Slack:

Going on dates is hard because do I like them or do I just have sooo much fun being me.

Making waves on TikTok:

I am single, please disturb me!

Going viral on X:

Woke up and immediately broke my resolution to be less sexy this year.

Β© 2026. All rights reserved.

Made with ❀️ in Sydney β˜€οΈπŸŒ΄