Getting an extra 20 minutes in the day when someone cancels a meeting is like finding a penny on the ground. Not gonna use it for anything, but wow, am I excited.

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Unlike the stomach, the brain doesn’t alert you when it’s empty.

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Working on my harmonica skills so those around me can both hear and feel my depression.

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Before you have kids, ask yourself: how patient am I with really stupid people?

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Walking into someone’s house with healthy, thriving houseplants everywhere: “Oh, I see you dabble in witchcraft!”

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If I was a star and you were a star, I would wink at you and blink at you and twinkle at you and the earthlings would call it science.

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My husband is trying to convince me that we’re in a situationship. “The situation is that we live in the same house and love each other.”

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I finally have glasses, which is great because I needed one more thing to frantically search for every morning.

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When you have bad handwriting, notes to yourself are just fun little riddles you get to solve later.

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There’s really nothing as pathetic as watching a sad little man argue with Grok in hopes of manipulating the conversation to get an answer he wants.

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I would go out more if there weren’t any humans out there.