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10,000+ funny quotes

Activity Log ✨

Someone from 🇰🇲 has downloaded:

He thinks I’m so smart because I read books. Baby, they is FAWKING in these books.

Someone from 🇹🇳 has viewed:

I always knew I’d get old. How fast it happened was a bit of a surprise though.

Someone from 🇯🇴 has viewed:

If you think my posts are horrid, wait until you see the live stream of my colonoscopy.

Someone from 🇮🇷 has copied:

I need to figure out what I’m going to wear to the couch on New Year’s Eve.

Someone from 🇱🇰 has downloaded:

Good morning to the wind beneath my wings only.

Someone from 🇲🇹 has copied:

Just saw my evil doppelganger speed away in a DeLorean. I’m sure it’s fine.

Someone from 🇲🇺 has viewed:

Sometimes I’ll drink a ginger ale and eat a Biscoff cookie and sit up in kind of an unnatural position and pretend I’m on a Delta flight.

Someone from 🇻🇺 has copied:

Parents be like “why aren’t you eating, don’t you like my food?” and after you eat a ton, they’ll say “you look a little chubby, maybe you should eat less.”

Someone from 🇧🇹 has copied:

Asking my landlord if he has any Cyber Monday deals.

Someone from 🇲🇺 has downloaded:

If you break up with the same person enough times, you eventually get married. Never give up.

Funny Quotes Data 🤓

New Funny Quotes

calculating…

Funny Quotes Total

15,753

Funny Quotes Topics

17,766

Funny Quotes Images

15,753

Feb 3, 2026

3,686

Social Media Log 💫

Just shared via X:

Oh, to live in an apartment alone and do whatever I want.

Live now on Telegram:

Peloton guy yelling “two more, one more” but it’s me eating Cheetos.

Live now on WhatsApp:

Schrodinger’s Immigrant: A person who is simultaneously too lazy to work, but is also stealing your job.

Spotted on YouTube:

If you think my posts are horrid, wait until you see the live stream of my colonoscopy.

Making waves on LinkedIn:

The worst part about being an adult is that no matter how sad you get, the show must go on.

Broadcasted on Instagram:

Today sucked so bad, I had to stop by the liquor store on my way to the bar.

Trending via TikTok:

screenshotting people’s close friends and posting it directly to my own story.

Trending via Slack:

That awkward moment when you have to pretend that you like the gift.

Going viral on WhatsApp:

You can’t spell dyslexia without sexy.

Seen just now on Snapchat:

You don’t get to comment on the world until you’ve made your bed.

We don’t make people walk the plank like we used to.

6 days ago

Witty text about modern manners, humorously referencing pirates and old customs.

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Commentary:
Ahoy mateys! ⚓️ Looks like the pirate code has been updated – we're all about positive vibes and teamwork now! 🏴‍☠️ Walking the plank is so last century, let's sail together towards a more compassionate horizon (and save the dramatic exits for the movies)! 😉🌊 #PirateLifeUpgrade

change, humor, nostalgia, people, pirate, plank, tradition, used, walk

Trending Funny Quotes 👇

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Social Media Stars ⭐

99 shares on Pinterest this month:

What’s really missing is a day between Saturday and Sunday.

87 shares on Discord this month:

And to my children I leave my collection of tote bags and gift bags.

66 shares on LinkedIn this month:

Thought I would mix things up today and sit in a new spot on my couch. Absolute chaos over here.

93 shares on Slack this month:

Nobody ever talks about how Sodom and Gomorrah were walkable cities.

99 shares on WhatsApp this month:

If you like Christmas so much, why don’t you merry it?

47 shares on Facebook this month:

When I tell a joke that doesn’t land, I follow up with a worse one to make my audience realize how good they had it with the first joke.

92 shares on Instagram this month:

Sorry about my behavior as of late. I have plastic in my brain.

90 shares on WhatsApp this month:

Julia Garner most confusing name because it calls to mind both Julia Roberts and Jennifer Garner, but she is neither.

68 shares on Threads this month:

A moth flies into your face out of nowhere. You could ask him why he does that, but what would you do with the information?

87 shares on YouTube this month:

Do you ever want sleep but sleep doesn’t want you?

Trending Topics 📁

Hot Jokes 💥

24 folks are currently checking 👀

Roses are pink. I need a drink.

18 folks are currently checking 👀

“Can’t wait till I get older” was the dumbest thing I ever said.

9 folks are currently checking 👀

Duolingo should have an “I’m going on holiday to this place very soon” setting so it teaches you “can I have the bill” and so on instead of “the cow boils an egg”.

11 folks are currently checking 👀

My body can’t handle the stress of loving anyone romantically, ever.

20 folks are currently checking 👀

The main problem is that far too many people have far too easy access to podcast equipment.

22 folks are currently checking 👀

Cataclysmic events, such as your fingers on my skin.

25 folks are currently checking 👀

I hate math, but I love counting money.

23 folks are currently checking 👀

Job market so bad, I started following my dreams.

23 folks are currently checking 👀

If I was a stray cat, I’d follow you home and let you domesticate me.

20 folks are currently checking 👀

One of the hardest things to do as an adult is to go back to work after a long weekend.

Funny Quotes Data 🤓

New Funny Quotes

calculating…

Funny Quotes Total

15,753

Funny Quotes Topics

17,766

Funny Quotes Images

15,753

Updated

Feb 3, 2026

Users Online

3,590

Activity Log ✨

Someone from 🇰🇼 has viewed:

The Wi-Fi stops working for 2 minutes, and suddenly I start thinking about life.

Someone from 🇲🇺 has downloaded:

Wake up, there’s overthinking to be done.

Someone from 🇲🇳 has downloaded:

My teen would like you to know I ruined her life when I did her laundry today.

Someone from 🇪🇸 has shared:

Money does not buy happiness, but it’s better to cry in a sports car than on a bicycle.

Someone from 🇷🇺 has bookmarked:

Caught my son chewing on electrical wires. So, I grounded him. He’s doing better currently and conducting himself properly.

Someone from 🇸🇹 has copied:

My account is fake, I’m actually your probation officer.

Someone from 🇦🇫 has shared:

Be nice today, the world is on fire.

Someone from 🇳🇵 has copied:

I think I may need professional help. A chef, a butler and a maid should do it!

Someone from 🇱🇨 has bookmarked:

Politics top tip: Gain people’s trust by telling them that everyone is lying to them.

Someone from 🇸🇾 has bookmarked:

Why procrastinate now when you can always procrastinate later?

Social Media Log 💫

Broadcasted on TikTok:

They should invent a type of sleeping where you wake up feeling rested.

Spotted on LinkedIn:

I bought all this healthy food at the grocery store today and now I’m trying to decide if I want Chinese food or pizza delivered for dinner tonight.

Going viral on Telegram:

Dear razor commercials, please stop shaving hairless legs. If you want to impress someone, shave a gorilla.

Making waves on Twitch:

Like a fine bourbon, we get better with age. Or, at least, … we feel better about our age after drinking lots of bourbon!

Broadcasted on Threads:

Women are obsessed with Love Island, but when me and my boys do it in real life, we’re disgusting cheating dogs?

Broadcasted on Threads:

“But it’s summer,” is going to be my excuse for everything from now until the end of September.

Spotted on Discord:

Delightful if true: booby trap.

Shared recently on X:

The only reason to engage with a neighbor is if either of you is on fire.

Just landed via LinkedIn:

They were called “TV programs” because they were literally programming us, bro.

Going viral on WhatsApp:

Shrimp: “When I grow up, I want to be food waste at a gala.”

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