18 funny theft quotes - Wordgag

I’m going to break into your house and steal that thing with the little wheels on it under the plate in your microwave.

May 22, 2026

Stealing hoodies is for amateurs. Steal his car like a real woman.

May 21, 2026

You get what you pay for. Unless the delivery man leaves it on your doorstep. Then the fastest person on your street gets what you paid for.

May 21, 2026

He took my last fry, your honor.

May 21, 2026

Anything is free if you can outrun security. The more you know.

May 21, 2026

To the person who stole my place in the queue. I’m after you now.

May 20, 2026

We could have high-speed rail that connects the entire country, but instead we get AI porn bots that steal all of our drinking water to entertain the dumbest people alive.

May 20, 2026

I hate it when I check my transactions history, and everything adds up like damn, so no one stole from me.

May 19, 2026

Over Christmas, some bastard has snuck into my house, gone into my wardrobe, stolen my work trousers, and replaced them with a smaller pair.

Apr 1, 2026

If they stole your post, they probably need it more than you do.

Mar 30, 2026

If I ever find out who stole my identity, I’ll pay all their debts and ruin their credit score just for fun.

Mar 30, 2026

Why steal office supplies from work when you could take an extra-long bathroom break and steal company time instead?

Mar 30, 2026

They can steal your recipe, but the sauce won’t taste the same.

Mar 29, 2026

What we need is an evil Santa who steals our children’s most annoying toys.

Mar 29, 2026

I deserve a percentage of your pay if you ever stole any swag from me.

Mar 29, 2026

“It’s the most wonderful crime of the year!” I crooned running away with the pot of Santa’s donations.

Mar 27, 2026

Nice to finally get back that hour they stole earlier this year.

Mar 26, 2026

To whoever stole my oversized clock, you owe me big time.

Mar 26, 2026