178 funny Christmas quotes - Page 2 - Wordgag

I haven’t bought 1 Christmas gift but I got 3 packages on the way for me though.

May 24, 2026

We need to stop making more Christmas music. We have enough.

May 24, 2026

Christmas combines two things I love the most, getting fat and lying to children.

May 24, 2026

Last Christmas, I gave you my heart, but the very next day, Guantanamo Bay.

May 24, 2026

If we start dating now, we could be feeding each other deviled eggs on Thanksgiving, and breaking up before we have to exchange gifts for Christmas.

May 24, 2026

Rudolph, with your nose so bright, help me find my phone tonight.

May 24, 2026

I hope some dyslexic people don’t mail Satan instead of Santa.

May 23, 2026

I’ve already sent Santa a short letter this week to say hello. Not that he thinks I only get in touch if I want something.

May 23, 2026

Ancestors survived five mass extinctions on earth for me to be killed by a house cat I was trying to put a Christmas sweater on.

May 23, 2026

Christmas can be really hard for single people. Everyone else is having a brilliant time and we have to hide the fact that every day is like that for us.

May 23, 2026

It’s beginning to cost a lot like Christmas.

May 23, 2026

According to my kids’ Christmas lists, they think this parenting gig pays pretty well.

May 23, 2026

My Christmas letter this year includes a bonus DVD of my colonoscopy.

May 23, 2026

If you like Christmas so much, why don’t you merry it?

May 23, 2026

I’m planning to save money on Christmas gifts this year by wrapping up all the toys my toddler dropped behind the couch.

May 23, 2026

We got the Christmas tree yesterday, and now my wife knows that I was the chief architect working on the leaning tower of Pisa.

May 23, 2026

Giving all the dogs in my neighborhood matching sweaters for Christmas so they can be in a gang.

May 23, 2026

Dear Santa, I’ve been good all year. Most of the time. Once in a while. Never mind, I’ll buy my own stuff.

May 23, 2026

I set up my Nativity scene, but since baby Jesus hasn’t arrived yet, Mary, Joseph and all the Wise Men are just looking down at their phones.

May 23, 2026

Just a reminder that with Die Hard, Robin Hood and Love Actually, ‘Alan Rickman ruins Christmas’ is a whole movie subgenre.

May 23, 2026

Some of us better hope Santa doesn’t check social media, because if he does, all we’re getting for Christmas is therapy.

May 23, 2026

Am I the only one who wonders why the Flintstones celebrate Christmas?

May 23, 2026

There’s going to be a full moon this Christmas! Because mixing family and alcohol together wasn’t enough…

May 23, 2026

Oh, I have Christmas spirit. The question is: Do I mix it with coke or do I drink it neat?

May 23, 2026

Grocery shopping before Christmas is a nightmare. My milk expired while I was waiting in line.

May 23, 2026

I alway get the same thing every year for Christmas. Fat!

May 23, 2026

My retirement plan is recording a hit Christmas song. I just need to learn how to sing and write music.

May 23, 2026

When someone is in a Christmas eve panic, I always find that “well, maybe you should have thought of that sooner” is a helpful phrase.

May 23, 2026

I don’t want to alarm anyone, but there’s only 365 shopping days left until Christmas.

May 23, 2026

Inventing the Grinch: “Santa needs a Wario!”

May 23, 2026

Christmas adverts: “Eat all the food! Drink all the drink! Spoil yourself! It’s Christmas!” New year adverts: “Look at what you’ve done to yourself, you fat sack of shit!”

May 22, 2026

When you decorate your whole house for Christmas, what you’re really saying is “I’m not going to dust for at least a month.”

May 22, 2026

At Christmas time, all outstanding invoices are always transferred with the reference “Hohoho”.

May 22, 2026

If it turns cold one more time, I’m gonna put the Christmas tree back up.

May 22, 2026

Every year, just in time for Christmas, when it’s freezing cold, the Coca Cola truck shows up. Now, in this freaking heat, it’s nowhere to be seen.

May 22, 2026

The real advantage of being self-employed is that you don’t have to go to a Christmas party.

May 22, 2026

The Christmas tree I’ve had up all year makes a lot more sense now.

May 21, 2026

The Pope is the only employee who never gets to see his boss. Not even at the Christmas party.

May 21, 2026

Spent the day decorating the house for Christmas and my wife spent the day re-decorating the house for Christmas.

May 21, 2026

Christmas decor isn’t meant to be sleek and minimalist, it is supposed to look like joy threw up in your house.

May 21, 2026