I’m a Leo so I just eat the other astrological signs.

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Have you ever noticed that when you step on someone’s foot, they open their mouth? It’s like a folding trash can.

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Blowing kisses to my coworkers so that nobody talks to me today.

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Just because I’m up sharing posts at 7 a.m. doesn’t mean I’m up. Don’t call my phone.

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I used to be sad about the climate apocalypse, but I went on a few dates and, honestly, I’m ready now.

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Update on my fitness journey: My wife just handed me a bag of apples at the market and said, “careful, it’s heavy.”

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Some people get weird as they get older. Not me, though. I’ve always been weird.

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A real smart TV would increase the volume when you started eating chips.

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I truly wonder what it sounded like when Medusa washed her hair at night.

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I am woman, hear me roar but also meow because I am sensitive.

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What a lot of people don’t understand about mountain climbing is that don’t do that.