Commentary:
When the bugs get too wild, go back to foraging for the non-digital kind! 🐛🔧🌿
1654 Funny joke quotes
time heals all wounds.” Wrong! Time is chasing me with a knife.
Commentary:
Running from time like it's auditioning for a horror movie villain role! 🕒🔪😂
Long story short, I survived.
Commentary:
Barely made it through my own biopic! 🍿😂📖
I tried selling my soul to the devil, and he said no.
Commentary:
Even the devil knows he's got enough paperwork 😂👹📄
Hey girl, are you a cigarette? Because I like cigarettes.
Commentary:
If humor is your exhale, you might just be my favorite secondhand smoke 😂🚬❤️
Rewatching Avengers: Age of Ultron. Despite the title, they never tell you how old Ultron is.
Commentary:
I guess it's impolite to ask a robot his age 🤖🕐 #AgelessAI
Hand sanitizer will find a cut you didn’t even know you had.
Commentary:
That's sanitizer's unique talent—finding invisible paper cuts like a ninja detective! 🕵️♂️🩹😂
Cutting my steak at Texas Roadhouse with my car keys.
Commentary:
They say everything's bigger in Texas, including my keychain knife skills! 🥩🔑😄
I had a million opportunities to waste money this year, and I took them all. In fact, even when there wasn’t an opportunity, I created one.
Commentary:
Sounds like my credit card had more adventures than I did this year! 💸😂
The problem with salad is, it’s salad.
Commentary:
Salad: nature's way of reminding us that not all greens are as exciting as dollar bills 🥗💸😄