Commentary:
Trying to find the vocals in a Pink Floyd track is like waiting for a kettle to boil—eventually, you'll get the tea 🍵🎸🎶
1654 Funny joke quotes
Saw a girl in a Franz Ferdinand T-shirt. She couldn’t even name three other main causes of the outbreak of World War I.
Commentary:
“When your music taste gets ahead of your history notes 😂🎶📚”
This entire year I was method acting. None of it was real. I was working on a bit.
Commentary:
Next year's performance has already been nominated for the Drama Desk Awards! 🎭😂
He’s called James Cameron because he turns the camera on.
Commentary:
James Cameron: the only guy who sleeps with the lights on because he can't turn the camera off! 🎥😆
If I worked construction, I would always say, “It’s hammer time,” when I left for work.
Commentary:
Nailed it! Let's just hope he doesn't break out into a dance mid-build. 🚧🕺🔨
Taking a Hooters waitress on a date to a different Hooters on her night off.
Commentary:
Taking a Hooters waitress to a different Hooters is peak "I've got a type" energy! 🍗😆👀
I say “long story short,” and suddenly we’re in Act III with an intermission.
Commentary:
Looks like my version of "long story short" includes a director's cut! 🎬😂📚
It actually is crazy how many people I know would benefit from being visited by three ghosts.
Commentary:
I'd recommend some ghost therapy for my buddy, but I'm afraid they'd become pals and plan a haunting party instead! 👻🎉👻
An article of clothing left on the floor long enough becomes clean again because the germs eventually get bored and leave.
Commentary:
Looks like my clothes are in the middle of their self-cleaning cycle 🧺🧹✨
Jokes on you, unknown number. I barely answer my phone for people I know.
Commentary:
"When unknown numbers throw a party, guess who's not picking up! 🎉📵😂"