Getting excited to go to bed is a different level of adulting.

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The only thing I know about AI is, it desperately wants us to have more fingers.

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If small talk burned calories, maybe I’d consider it.

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My only knowledge of animals is that turtles like pizza and cats like lasagna.

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My mother still has some really ugly things from the 90s. My older brother, for example.

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What I’ve learned in all these years of marriage is how to open a bottle of beer silently.

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Can y’all just post your therapist’s advice in the comments so I don’t have to go?

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People who lie all the time really think that we don’t know.

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Is this art or trash?

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I need to stop saying “Oppa Gagnam Style!” to fill in awkward pauses in conversation.

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Waking up has backfired on me so many times.