I have almost 100,000 miles on my office chair. So I got that going for me.

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Whenever you feel like the world is falling apart, take a deep breath and remember you’re right.

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Sunrises are really beautiful, but the timing is rather bad.

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Coffee should just be free for anybody over 30.

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If you’re not dropping it like it’s hot, then what the hell are you doing?

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My kids couldn’t care less about personal hygiene unless we are running late somewhere.

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12 people have been to the moon and only 8 people have won Takeshi’s Castle. Really makes you think.

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Life is so funny because you think you look good today and a year later you look even better.

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Any house is an Airbnb if you’re quiet enough.

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Caveman: I just invented the wheel. Journalist: Here’s why the wheel is bad for humanity.

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If you wake up early enough, you can go back to sleep for a few hours. Not everyone knows this.