Maybe the problem is that I’m cooler than any man I’ve ever met.

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“Boy, you made these perimenopausal ovaries come back to life,” – me flirting.

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A good rule to remember for life is that when it comes to plastic surgery and sushi, never be attracted by a bargain.

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Eventually, kids get old enough to see which parent was the problem.

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Due to inflation, you can now eat food that has been on the floor for up to 7.3 seconds.

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Don’t give up on your dreams. Go back to bed.

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Hotel elevators are hell for those of us who are small-talk failures. The guy asked me, “You just get in today too?” and I said, “Well, no,” then stood in silence.

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“It’s all in your head!” Correct! Unfortunately, I am also in there.

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Not only is Santa not real, there are also no horny singles in your area wanting to meet you.

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This can’t be the same body that used to be able to pull all nighters.

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“Real Housewives” is a great oxymoron because nothing about them is real.