The only way three people can keep a secret is if two of them are dead.

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Anyone who doesn’t like me snoring, doesn’t deserve me moaning either.

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Don’t be alarmed at my semicolon usage; I’m a professional.

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After you do your laundry, you should be allowed to get in the dryer and tumble for a little. No charge.

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You know you’re the father of teen boys when a shoe print on the ceiling no longer fazes you.

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When I tell my kids I’ll do something in a minute, what I’m really saying is “Please forget.”

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I stay up late every night, regret it in the morning, and the next day I do it all over again.

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You want me to turn around? The thing that led to a total eclipse of the heart.

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After having a week off, my boss returns to work today. Please respect my privacy during this difficult time.

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I’m just here to make you wish I wasn’t.

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The adjective for metal is metallic, but not so for iron, which is ironic.