There should be bloopers at the end of horror movies, so it relaxes you before bedtime.

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My boyfriend just said “I encourage you to try all things” to our cat who was licking up Buffalo sauce.

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I end all my sentences with “Just saying..” because ending them with “You bonehead..” would probably be considered offensive.

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Getting mad when an app updates and changes their format is the new “rearranged grocery store” for me.

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I’m so bored, I’m gonna join a poly-relationship and stage a coup and kick the main one out.

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The end of Twitter is taking forever. Did Tolkien write this?

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I believe the IRS is days away from having a nuclear weapon.

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I think during winter we should also get to work less hours in a day, just like the sun.

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Do regular dogs see police dogs and think, “Oh no, it’s a cop”?

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I’m the type of husband that helps his wife look for her missing chocolate that I ate.

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The way time stretches between the moment you put your hands under the air dryer and the realization it is in fact a paper towel dispenser.