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Doing some skin care routine but my skin doesn’t care.

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Me leaving the house: I hope I don’t see anyone.

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Sometimes, u just gotta clean your room and apply an elaborate skincare routine, and pretend that’s equivalent to getting ur life in order.

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The adjective for metal is metallic, but not so for iron, which is ironic.

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Taylor Swift’s most unrealistic lyric is “he’d never tell you, but he can play guitar”, because I’ve never met a man who can play guitar that isn’t gonna tell you about it.

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Managed to empty the vegetable drawer of the fridge before something there takes on a life of its own.

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I’ve learned a lot over the years, but the best advice I can ever give someone is never buy a used harmonica.