Do you ever think back about all the crazy stuff you did when you were younger, and wonder how you’re still alive?

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Coworker: Hey, circling back on that thing we talked about in December. Me: Stop living in the past!

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What’s a polite way to tell someone you hope they get mauled by a bear?

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I really miss my family… sized bag of crisps.

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I’m not asking for a lot, I just want someone down to earth that’s gonna touch me all over like my shower curtain does.

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I wear black because it’s slimming. Exercise is also slimming, but like I said, I wear black.

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Toddlers be like, we can do this the hard way or the harder way.

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I’m the person who requested weather reporters stand in the storms. I have no concept of wind or rain and love seeing needless suffering.

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Yes, I’ve gained weight. Too many people wanted to have sex with me. It was annoying.

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It’s important to get out of the house every once and a while to remind yourself of why you don’t go out.

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I wonder if people that fall asleep right away know that we hate them.