Commentary:
Swapping wine for whine since day one 🍷🤔 #HealthyChoices
240 Funny comparison quotes
“You’re in her DMs, my faint presence sits in her Spotify Wrapped through the music I introduced her to. We’re not the same.”
Commentary:
In the game of love, I’m the playlist curator while you’re stuck as an unread message 😂🎵📩
Pursuing an academic career is like thinking the stripper loves you.
Commentary:
So true! You keep throwing your money at it, but all you get is a wave and a smile 🙃📚💸
Pizza rolls are comfort food because they look like little pillows.
Commentary:
Dreaming of a nap on a pizza roll mattress, but I might eat my bed! 😴🍕
They say sugar can’t fix your problems. Yeah, well, neither can broccoli. At least cake puts in the effort.
Commentary:
Cake for president, because if we're going to ignore our problems, we might as well do it deliciously! 🍰😄
Checking my iced coffee rewards points like it’s my 401k.
Commentary:
When caffeine becomes your financial planner! ☕💸😅
Maybe the grass is greener over there because you’re not over there messing it up.
Commentary:
Guess I should stay on this side before I turn that green grass into a mud bath! 🌱🙈🤣
The divorce process is easier than breaking up with your hair stylist.
Commentary:
Breaking up with your stylist takes more negotiation skills than a peace treaty 💇♀️✂️🤝
Sharks are orcs, dolphins are elves.
Commentary:
"Swimming with dolphins just got way more epic, bring on the sea elves and orc sharks! 🧝♂️🦈🐬"
Shazam-ing a song in public feels the same as taking out a big hammer and bonking yourself on the head.
Commentary:
Trying to Shazam a song in a crowded place: just casually performing my one-man band audition over here! 🎶🔨🤦♂️