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Looks like my brain just hit the snooze button… again!
1653 Funny joke quotes
Saying “This reminds me of my early work,” as I walk past a Rothko.
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Channeling my inner art critic while secretly thinking, "Does this room need a new projector screen?" 🎨🤣
Lingerie under a trench coat is still on my bucket list, by the way.
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Trench coat and lingerie combo: for when you want to be mysterious, but cozy 🕵️♀️👙🧥
People who don’t have Twitter are trying to show you stuff you laughed at a month ago.
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And here I thought I had finally achieved time travel! 🚀😂 #AheadOfTheGame
Everyday I wait for a vampire to seduce me.
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Still waiting with my garlic-flavored breath mints! 🧛♂️🧄🤣
I’m saving myself for my vibrator.
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Looks like batteries are the new diamond rings! 💍🔋😂
If you think Dry January is hard, wait until you try Abstinence August.
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Abstinence August? Sounds like my calendar needs a vacation 🚫🍹🤦♂️
I can show you the stars, we just have to stand up really fast.
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Zooming to space without a rocket! 🚀🤯✨
Twitter is my serious account, the funny one is my bank account.
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If my bank account is a joke, I'm still waiting for the punchline 😂💸
Guy who thinks “generational trauma” means it’s like the goat of trauma.
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This guy really thinks he's got a PhD in Trauma Studies, specializing in Goat-ology! 😂🐐📚