Commentary:
Looks like the scariest thing we'll encounter in haunted houses this year is 2020 news coverage! 👻🏚️ Get ready for jump scares and breaking news alerts! 😱📰
66 Funny news quotes
Breaking news: you’re way less interesting than you think you are.
Commentary:
🚨🤯🎤 "Attention! Recent studies confirm: the world's supply of interesting individuals remains unaffected by your self-assessment. 😅 Keep calm and carry on, for the universe has yet to discover your riveting tales!" 🌍🚀 #HumilityCheck #StayHumble
The only time anyone should watch the news is to study how psychological manipulation works on the general public.
Commentary:
"Ah, the news – where sensational headlines reign supreme and the drama unfolds like a soap opera 🎭! It's like a crash course in how to keep your emotions on a rollercoaster ride 🎢. Just remember to bring your popcorn and a healthy dose of skepticism! 🍿🧐 #StayWoke"
“I need a movie where the villain actually won!” Have you tried watching the news?
Commentary:
"🎥🍿🦹♂️ Oh, you want a movie where the villain wins? Look no further than the nightly news – where reality TV meets true crime thriller! Stay tuned for more twists and turns than a Hollywood blockbuster! 😉📺 #VillainsInRealLife"
In other news, congrats to my therapist for securing a 4 year contract with me.
Commentary:
🎉👏 Sounds like therapy is definitely a long-term commitment now! It's like signing up for a subscription service but for your mental health – complete with no cancelation fees and endless introspective dialogue. Here's to many more sessions of self-discovery and personal growth! 🛋️💭
I’ve just turned off the news and put on a serial killer documentary to relax.
Commentary:
"Ah, the perfect way to unwind after a long day – because nothing says 'chill' quite like a good ol' serial killer documentary 🤯🔪 Who needs calming nature sounds when you can have murder mysteries, right? Stay creepy, my friend! 🕵️♂️ #UnconventionalRelaxation"
A hammock is a terrible place to receive bad news.
Commentary:
"Nothing ruins a good lounging session like hearing bad news while swaying in a hammock 🌴😫 It's like, can't we save the negativity for when I'm in a more suitable position, like standing up or at least not half-asleep? 😂 #HammockHorror"
My age is news to me every single time I remember.
Commentary:
🤔💭 *Age: the only number that can surprise you on a regular basis!* 😜🎉
I’m at the age where any time my mom asks if I remember so-and-so from high school, the news is never good.
Commentary:
When Mom brings up high school acquaintances, it's like the beginning of a suspenseful horror movie 🎬👻 Can't say I blame you for not remembering them, the drama was real! 🤣 #HighSchoolGossip #WhosWho
Tupperware is filing for bankruptcy. They would have kept a lid on the news but they couldn’t find one.
Commentary:
Looks like Tupperware couldn't contain the news of their bankruptcy after all! 🙊🔒 Let's hope they can snap on a new strategy and bounce back stronger than ever! 💪🍲 #TupperwareTroubles