I always wait 3 minutes after each post for the applause to die down.

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When I was a kid, I had to walk to Netflix.

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That awkward moment when you’ve said “What?” three times, so you just say “Oh, yeah..” even though you have no idea what they said.

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Sorry I missed your call when I pressed decline.

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I’m going to be a printer today and just not work.

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Had chicken and egg for dinner because I wanted to eat the whole family.

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Speaker phone in public should be illegal.

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Anytime someone throws a Great Gatsby themed party, I have to assume they never finished the book.

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That uncontrollable urge to hurt myself and others when a film’s subtitles are slightly out of sync.

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Brainwashing is always considered terrible and horrible. But there are many brains that would benefit from a wash.

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Shazam-ing a song in public feels the same as taking out a big hammer and bonking yourself on the head.