“I’m too pretty for this” is a very valid excuse, actually.

56 shares on Pinterest this month:

My playlist is so random, I be heartbroken, thugged out, and yeehaw all at the same time.

26 shares on Telegram this month:

The question “how is work” really pisses me off. Work is work, bro, I don’t know what else you want me to say.

35 shares on Instagram this month:

If you give me a serious answer to a silly question, I’m giving you a wedgie.

35 shares on Snapchat this month:

The one thing I think most parents need to realize is, there’s absolutely no secrets that your child doesn’t share about you in the classroom.

85 shares on TikTok this month:

Massage therapist asked how I felt about chiropractics and I told her the guy who invented it says he learned it from a ghost, and that shut the conversation down pretty quick.

63 shares on Twitch this month:

Not all who wander are lost. Some are just moms. In Target. Hiding from their children.

40 shares on Pinterest this month:

Vaping always looked dumb. It looks like you’re smoking a kazoo, and now the lead poisoning is the cherry on top.

48 shares on Pinterest this month:

We seriously need to bring back courting. What the hell is ‘wyd tonight?’ Arrive on a horse and bring flowers like a man.

75 shares on Reddit this month:

My favorite thing to do when I see people I know in public is to pretend I didn’t.

54 shares on Instagram this month:

Gnocchi: The small, chubby children of spaghetti and potatoes.