My ducks: in a row. My elephant: addressed. My eggs: several baskets. My bigger fish: fried.

80 shares on Telegram this month:

“Easy like Sunday morning” is something people with no kids say.

14 shares on YouTube this month:

There are approximately 1,010,300 words in the English language, but I could never string enough words together to properly express how much I want to hit you with a chair.

29 shares on Messenger this month:

I love how you get on Twitter, and all your thoughts are already in someone else’s tweet.

51 shares on YouTube this month:

I can’t wait to open my phone tomorrow and find out what we’re mad about next.

52 shares on Messenger this month:

People at the library need to learn how to be quiet. Some of us are trying to beatbox over here.

35 shares on WeChat this month:

I like to keep my wife guessing by walking around the backyard carrying a ladder and a chainsaw.

37 shares on Discord this month:

I’m a strong, independent woman, but like, against my will.

70 shares on WeChat this month:

My goal weight is getting a magician to saw me in half.

77 shares on Pinterest this month:

An escape room, but it’s a bean bag chair in a hammock on a water bed in a bouncy house and you’re over 40. Good luck!

30 shares on Messenger this month:

It’s actually scary how your whole life depends on how well you did as a teenager.