My ducks: in a row. My elephant: addressed. My eggs: several baskets. My bigger fish: fried.

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It’s not my fault that when I said you looked “stunning” you assumed I meant in a positive way.

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Marriage is scary, what if he doesn’t want our house to look like my Pinterest board.

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For someone who is afraid of failure, I’m very unmotivated.

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It took three employees to help me complete “self-checkout” yesterday.

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Imagine marrying an old man for money and you die first.

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I miss when men had big hair, louder feelings, and leaned over cars to declare their love.

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Asking him what his favorite dinosaur is on the first date to determine compatibility.

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Eating watermelon and minding my own business.

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The biggest joke on mankind is that computers have started asking humans to prove that they are not robots.

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My favorite genre of tweet is conservative guy asking Grok, ‘Is this true?’ and then arguing with it when it doesn’t give him the answer he likes.