Obsessed with how Siri just doesn’t work at all, ever.

52 shares on Messenger this month:

Whoever thinks money doesn’t buy happiness can deposit it in my bank account.

95 shares on Slack this month:

Just emerged from my Y2K bunker. Everybody okay?

43 shares on Snapchat this month:

I don’t believe in lying to children, unless it’s about where the good snacks are hidden. Then it’s fine.

34 shares on Telegram this month:

When someone asks me why I’m in a wheelchair, I want to say something ridiculous like, “I’m not standing up until I’ve saved a million.”

33 shares on Messenger this month:

I’ve faced more peer pressure to watch certain TV shows than to do drugs.

72 shares on Reddit this month:

Somewhere on our planet, there is someone who doesn’t care about you at this moment. It could be billions.

13 shares on Messenger this month:

My girlfriend confided in me she loves when I blow air on her when she’s hot, but honestly, I’m not a fan.

13 shares on Snapchat this month:

Instead of writing LOL, I’m going to start writing SALTS (smiled a little, then stopped). It’s more accurate.

41 shares on Instagram this month:

I used to think that the older you get, the wiser and more self-confident you become. I now know that you just get tired more quickly.

77 shares on Messenger this month:

Now hush, Lil Labubu, don’t you cry, everything’s gonna be Dubai.