The moment when I drop my phone, but my fast reflexes slam it into a bloody wall.

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Some of you are out here driving like your turn signal’s free trial ended and you’re all out of blinks.

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My wife had a dream that I have a secret second wife named Linda. Now, when she’s mad at me, I just say, “Linda wouldn’t get mad about that.”

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They get real weird at the gun store if you walk in crying and asking for “the biggest one”.

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Imagine hating me, and I’m just here unloading my dishwasher.

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Sorry for bouncing my leg. I’m not allowed to bash my head into the walls anymore.

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Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than going to a garage makes you a car.

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I’m sorry I roasted you, I was trying to flirt.