What happened to my ankles tonight mosquitologically can never happen again.

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Haunted Houses this year are just gonna have the news on.

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I don’t need your flipping advice, I am capable of ruining my life on my own.

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I want a hot body, but I also want hot wings.

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Getting emotional thinking about everything SpongeBob has been through and his resilience despite it all.

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“New recipe” is code for “less content, but worse ingredients”.

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Of course I intermittently fast. That’s when I sleep.

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I’m sorry I pretended I was dead when I saw you in public.

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As parents we have to make sacrifices all the time. Today, I had to eat my kid’s ice cream because she couldn’t finish it.

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Tip on how best to start a conversation with me: Not at all.

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Ugh, he wants to go hiking as a first date, just like Hitler.