Blocking me is like blocking the sun, the moon and the stars.

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The gossip in my town is faster than the Wi-Fi.

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The lion does not concern himself with the check engine light.

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I love making the whole conversation so awkward that the most anyone can say after is “so yeah…”

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I got a bumper sticker that says, “Honk if you think I’m pretty.” Sometimes I just sit at green lights until I feel better about myself.

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If she replies to your sarcasm with more sarcasm, that’s a whole life.

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Dance like nobody’s watching, except God, the NSA, and Santa Claus.

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“It could be drugs,” I tell myself as I buy more books.

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Remember, for some unknown reason Santa doesn’t make batteries.

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There’s no one I respect more than duck hunters. You spent $15,000 on a camouflage boat to outsmart a duck.

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I need to hire someone to just constantly slap food out of my hand.