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My last husband’s name is Don. I just added an E to it and walked away.

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If idiots could fly, TikTok would be an airport.

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I suck at flirting, I end up arguing with them instead.

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Wooden pews are designed to maximize the shame of farting in church.

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I wish I had a pair of skinny genes.

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Gollum is like, “Actually, this is my emotional support precious.”

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My kids and I have this bit where I say something and they ignore me.

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Turns out “V for Vendetta” is not an educational movie and it won’t teach your kids the alphabet.

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We argue about where to go for dinner for so long, it eventually becomes an argument on where to go for breakfast.

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I always feel sleepy, except when I want to sleep.