66 funny doctor quotes - Page 2 - Wordgag

Doctor advised me to stop drinking. This is going to be a big change for me. I was with that doctor for decades.

Mar 30, 2026

Has anyone ever considered that Dr. Pepper could be a gynecologist?

Mar 30, 2026

They hooked up tubes and sensors, but the doctor still can’t figure out why my kisses are so sweet. They want to hold me overnight and “never let go.”

Mar 30, 2026

Doctor: Your body has run out of magnesium. Me: OMg.

Mar 30, 2026

Life hack: Confuse your doctor by putting on gloves at the same time he does.

Mar 30, 2026

I wasn’t sure why the doctor prescribed LSD for my constipation, until I saw a dragon and shit myself.

Mar 29, 2026

Having a car is crazy cause you gotta take it to the car doctor.

Mar 29, 2026

One downside of marrying a doctor is you have to give up eating apples.

Mar 29, 2026

Your future doctor is using ChatGPT to pass med school so you better start eating healthy.

Mar 29, 2026

For years I thought an oncologist was just the doctor they kept on-call at all times.

Mar 29, 2026

When Chuck Norris was born, the doctor got slapped.

Mar 29, 2026

Doctors don’t really need to hit you with that rubber hammer, it’s just how they release a lil tension through the day.

Mar 29, 2026

An apple a day keeps the doctor away, but if the doctor is cute, forget the fruit.

Mar 29, 2026

My doctor told me to watch my drinking. Now I drink in front of a mirror.

Mar 28, 2026

In filling out an application, where it says, “In case of emergency notify”, I put “Doctor.”

Mar 28, 2026

Ask your doctor if it’s right for you to eat oranges and pretend they’re planets and you’re a Greek god.

Mar 28, 2026

Doctors who give out lollipops really treat their patients.

Mar 28, 2026

Declined stepping on the scale at the doctor’s office because no one needs that kind of negativity in her life.

Mar 28, 2026

Just did my best horse impression and the doctor still won’t give me ketamine.

Mar 28, 2026

An apple a day may keep the doctor away, but some silly a day keeps the boredom at bay.

Mar 28, 2026

Welcome to your 50’s. Your doctor and pharmacist are both in your contacts now.

Mar 28, 2026

She took all my money, called me fat, AND stabbed me in the arm. I hate doctor appointments.

Mar 28, 2026

Doctors are always giving me Ibuprofen. Man, give me something I can sell.

Mar 27, 2026

Doctors diagnosed me as your future wife.

Mar 27, 2026

I’m no doctor but I’m pretty sure this Santa-shaped chocolate oughta settle my stomach.

Mar 27, 2026

The more I insisted marshmallows were vegetables, the angrier my doctor got.

Mar 27, 2026